You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

*Signs of Aging*

You know you're getting older if:

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Parking Confusion*

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Co-ed Hunting
A wife displeased about being a hunting widow, secretly bought a gun, got a hunting license, purchased camoflauge, and took shooting lesssons so she could hunt with her husband. On the first day of hunting season, her husband was about to leave when, to his amazement she shows up all decked out with gun in hand.
"Where are you going?" asked the husband.

"Hunting with you," replied the wife.

"You can't go because you have no license and don't know how to shoot a gun." remarked the husband.

"Yes I do, I bought a gun, got a license, and took shooting lessons. I'm going! she demanded.

Sensing that it was useless, he said,"ok."

When they got out to the field the husband took her to a tree stand, placed her in it and told her not to move and make damn well sure she shot at a deer and not another hunter. Then the husband made his way to his stand. Shortly, 3 shots rang out from the direction of his wife. The husband jumped down from his stand and began making his way to his wife. While some distance away he could hear his wife shouting, "it's my deer. It's MY deer!"

As he got closer he saw a man beside his wife and heard him say, "Ok, lady. You can have the deer. Just let me get my saddle off him first!"

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Do You Have a Hobby?
Bill and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking.

"Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?"

"Naturally, a hobby I got, I'm a bee keeper."

"Well, you must live in the country then."

"Nope, right here in the city... in Richmond."

"Really? You must have a large house then."

"Nope, apartment."

"Geez, where do you keep'm?"

"A shoe box in my closet."

"A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?"

"Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts?"

"Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!"

"So what?  I hate bees."

[Judy Harder]

*Dog Weather*

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The Cat

[Judy Harder]

CLEAN LAUGH

Buse Fare
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"

"Sixty cents," said the driver.

The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"

"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

*PC Assets*

My husband refused to learn how to operate a PC. I tried to get him to realize how important it is, since all our financial records are stored on disks.

"What if something happens to me?" I asked him. "You wouldn't know what our assets are."

"Honey," he replied, "if something happened to you, I wouldn't need any money."

[Judy Harder]

*Exact Address*

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Singing Fish
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'   

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'   

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'   

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'   

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'   

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

[Judy Harder]

*Sports Injury*

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked,

"Do you play hockey?"

"No"

"Do you play soccer?"

"No"

"Do you play any other physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*