You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

[Judy Harder]

The Twelve Days Of Christmas Turkey
On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me, I'm glad we've bought a turkey and a proper Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard as we tucked into our turkey - a most delicious bird.

On the third day of Christmas we'd friends in from next door, the turkey tasted just as good as on the day before.

On the fourth day of Christmas Gran came, she's rather old. We finished up the Christmas pud and ate the turkey cold.

On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snowflakes flurried but we were nice and warm inside - we ate the turkey - curried.

On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died. The children fought and bickered and we ate the turkey - fried.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave a wince when he sat down to dinner and was given turkey mince.

On the eighth day of Christmas the dog ran off for shelter, I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of Alka Seltzer.

On the ninth day of Christmas poor dad began to cry, he said he couldn't stand the strain of eating turkey pie.

On the tenth day of Christmas the air was rather blue and everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew.

On the eleventh day of Christmas the Christmas tree was molting, mince pies as hard as rock and the turkey quite revolting.

On the twelfth day of Christmas at last dad smacked his lips, the guests had gone the turkey too - we dined on fish and chips!

- Author Unknown

[Judy Harder]

*What's Good Tonight?*

Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."

[Judy Harder]

*Car Moving*

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You*

Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.

A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.

Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.

Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.

Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

*Neighborhood Explosion*

The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.

His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.

"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"

[Judy Harder]

*Snack Costs*

My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?"

We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."

[Judy Harder]

Bear Update
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

"We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:

Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

[Judy Harder]

Are you Kidding?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young engineer, who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about."
"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The engineer replied.

"Well, would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?" replied the HR person.

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Judy Harder]

*Job Impressions*

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"