You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Signs of A Long Sermon
Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon

10.  There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9.  The pews have camper hookups.

8.  You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7.  The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6.  The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5.  The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4.  When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3.  The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2.  Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon

1.  The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only September!

[Judy Harder]

     

Understanding the Signs
Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors.  One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by.  "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said.  Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men."

"Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."

[Judy Harder]

The Military Computer
The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass.  This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"

[Judy Harder]

 
A Subway Drop
The Manhattan Commuter train was packed.  Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor.  Most necks were craned.  One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up.  He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?"

"I did," answered three men at once.

"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."

[Judy Harder]

The Black Canyon Biker
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff.  He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes--both going well over 120 mph--blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."

[Judy Harder]

Finally Heard
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch.

The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives.  Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.  Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.

"He's perfect.  He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."

[Judy Harder]

 
Boys In the Hospital
The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.

"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.

"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.

"It's simple," replied the first.

"Were you sick when you came in here?  Or did they make you sick when you got here?"

[Judy Harder]

Time Travel
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

[Judy Harder]

 
Swim of Love
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators.  He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.  The millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter.

So one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.  I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH!  One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he could, and the crowd was cheering him on.  Finally he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed.  He said "My boy that was incredible!  Fantastic!  I didn't think it could be done!  Well I must keep my end of the bargain, so which do you want: my daughter or the one million dollars?

The guy says "Listen I don't want your money!  And I don't want your daughter!  I just want the goober who pushed me into that pool!

[Judy Harder]

Light Confusion
A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation.

His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help.  Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."