You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

How to write a College Paper

1.  Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2.  Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3.  Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4.  Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class.  If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.  If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5.  When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6.  Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7.  You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade.  You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

8.  Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9.  Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10.  Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

11.  Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet.  Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

12.  Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

13.  Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

14.  Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.  NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt.  Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

15.  Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

16.  Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.  Discuss the finer points of the plot.

17.  Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

18.  Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home.  Ask who everyone is.

19.  Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

20.  Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

21.  Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

22.  Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it.

23.  Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

24.  Lie face down on the floor and moan.

[Judy Harder]

Wedding Dress
Betty was soon to be married.

More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in.  Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent.

Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress.

When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval.  The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her.

Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother.

Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son."

"Forget about that!" she said with a sob.

"I used to fit into that dress!"

[Judy Harder]

The Pretzel Charity
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.

Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

[Judy Harder]

Knowing Your States
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only

13."

[Judy Harder]

     

A Dictionary of Project Terms
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties-- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough--Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research--It was discovered by accident.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured--We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period--We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying--It works, and are we surprised.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem--We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive--The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned--The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties--We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

[Judy Harder]

Some Good News
The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.

They say the house didn't float very far at all.

The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.

Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.

The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.

The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.

Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.

The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.

[Judy Harder]

Uncle Leroy got a job down at the Broom Factory.

On his first day the straw boss (Floor supervisor)calls ol' Leroy into his little office and says, "You the new man huh?  What is yer name?"

Leroy replied "Leroy"

The straw boss says "I don't call anyone by first names.  It breeds familiarity and that leads to breakdown in my Authority.  I refer to all employees by last names; Now what is Your Last Name!"

Leroy sort of smiles and says, "Its Darling - Leroy Darling!

The Straw Boss said "Now Leroy the next thing........"

[Judy Harder]

Taxi Graduate
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2001, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1969."

[Judy Harder]

The Judge's Tie


At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants.  The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

[Judy Harder]

Back Seat
A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr.  old son, Little Johnny.

She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.  After getting caught in a large group of car's flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.  She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.  Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do!  Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"