You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

A Young Man's Disorder
A young man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder.

"Every thought I have turns to my mother," he told the psychiatrist.

"As soon as I fall asleep and begin to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother.  I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replied, "What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?"

[Judy Harder]

A Guide to Investments
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it.  It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own.  Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e.  "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

[Judy Harder]

Cats Vs. Dogs
*Cat's guide to caring for your human.*

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water.  Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

*AND*

*Mind Games for Dogs*

1.  After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!

Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

2.  Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused.  (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3.  Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4.  Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'.  Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

5.  When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

6.  Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

7.  Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

8.  When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

[Judy Harder]

A Shy Visit To The Dentist
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.

The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.

The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?" No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?"

[Judy Harder]

     

A Mother Quotes


PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.  Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall.  But would you listen to me?  Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.  You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house!  That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon.  If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you-don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?  Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family.  You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture.  Can't you do something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line.  Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas.  Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

[Judy Harder]

What Mom Really Wants
Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...*

10.  To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash)

9.  To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

8.  Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.

7.  A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!"  just as I put a razor to my ankle.

6.  A full time cleaning person - period!

5.  For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom!  I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

4.  A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3.  To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.

2.  To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no!  Why me...!"

And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is.....

Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

[Judy Harder]

Things I Learned From My Children
*Things I've Learned From My Children*

01.  A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.  foot house 4 inches deep.

02.  If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

03.  A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

04.  If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.  It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

05.  You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.  When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

06.  The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

07.  When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

08.  Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

09.  A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.  Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11.  Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12.  Super glue is forever.

13.  No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.  Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.  VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.  Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.  Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.  You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19.  Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.  The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.  The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.  It will however make cats dizzy.

23.  Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.  The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.
cccc

[Judy Harder]

The Doily Box
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake.  She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.  One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.  He took the box to her and asked about the contents.  "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained.

"She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

[Judy Harder]

*Golf Meditations*

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Any change works for a maximum of three holes .  .  .  or at a minimum of not at all.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ......for an 8.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if your still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a players downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e.  backswing 20mph, handicap 15, downswing = 600mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one in wearing the glove.

Hazards attract, fairways repel.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.  If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

[Judy Harder]

The New Survivor
*Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?*

* 6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks

* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

* There is no access to fast food.

* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.  There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

* The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

* The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

* If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother".