You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

The Laws of Computing
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human .  .  .  To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems?  Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:

"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."

[Judy Harder]

Working on the Railroad
Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

At his interview, the inspector asked him this question:

"What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?

Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"Good.  But what if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual lever there."

"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Toby."

This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that??"

"Because Uncle Toby...  He's never seen a train wreck!!"

[Judy Harder]

Yesterday's Computer Song
Do you know the song "Yesterday"?  Then sing along to this computer version.

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.

[Judy Harder]

Geneticaly Modified
Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:

*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.

*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in you Jell-O.

*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.

*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.

*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.

[Judy Harder]

Trading Gas Caps
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.  After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car.  He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.  Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap.  He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.

And this one's even better because it locks..."

[Judy Harder]

 
Supporting the Family
Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Gina's father.

"There are twelve of us..."

[Judy Harder]

It Might Be Cleaner
After trying to for hours to get my daughters to clean their room, I burst in and yelled,

"GET THIS ROOM CLEAN NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!"

My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me with a very puzzled expression and said,

"You mean you're going to get rid of us and have a cow instead?"

[larryJ]

These are so f-u-n-n-y!  Thanks, Judy, for brightening up the day.

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

The Substitute Teacher
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked.  "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

[Judy Harder]

Memos For An Eclipse


Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun.  This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.  As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.  Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information.  Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park.  This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.  For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.  The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information.  This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.  This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.  This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.  This doesn't happen every day.  It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear.  It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.



*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*