You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Honeymoon Toast
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven.   Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out.  Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.

"Get the owner's manual!" my daughter's husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" cried my daughter a short time later.

"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen.  "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp."

[Judy Harder]

Gorilla Sundae
A gorilla walked into a drugstore and ordered a $1.50 chocolate sundae. He put a ten-dollar bill on the counter to pay for it.

The clerk thought, what could a gorilla know about money? So he gave the gorilla a single dollar bill in change. As he did, the clerk said, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

"No wonder," the gorilla replied, "at nine dollars a sundae."

[Judy Harder]

 
Impressions
A man commissioned Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife.  Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."

When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.

Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"

[Judy Harder]

2 Words
A man joined the priesthood.  The order he joined could not speak for seven years.  Then they could only say 2 words.

The first seven years passed and they went into a small room.  His 2 word were "too cold".

The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "bad food".

The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "I quit".

"Good," they said, "all you have done is complain."

[Judy Harder]

Three Rules
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.  After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!  Eat up!  Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

[Judy Harder]

A Great Job
A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what?  I've found a great job.  A 10 a.m.  start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

"That's great," his wife said.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed.  "You start Monday."

[Judy Harder]

Pregnant Stamp
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child.  After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

[Judy Harder]

 
Career Cooling
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college.  My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff.

One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me.  He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.

I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room.  The computer is over there."

[Judy Harder]

Why Some Countries CAN'T Go Metric!
If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.609 kilometers.

* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

[Judy Harder]

Marriage Wakeup Coffee
As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They're so thoughtful," Barb said.  "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married.  On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."