You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Colonial Break
A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing.  While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.

Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"

[Judy Harder]

Who Am I?
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments.  He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time.  He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed.  Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

[Judy Harder]

Freezer Order
I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie."

If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food."

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants."

[Judy Harder]

   

Sunday Service
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

[Judy Harder]

Buy a Puppy
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer.  Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes.  Then she nodded in agreement.  Finally, Lynn responded,

"I think it's a great idea!  Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

[Judy Harder]

     

Selling Bibles

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very
serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he
discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened
and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three
volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the
bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed
money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to
volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned
their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some
bibles.. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local
farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by
his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING
TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He
sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to
find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked
Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?' Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using
my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church.' 'Fine job, Jack!' The minister
said, vigorously shaking his hand... 'You are indeed a fine salesman
and the Church is indebted to you.' Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how
many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?' Paul, smiling and
sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional
salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I
collected.' The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid,
Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is
indebted to you.' Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and
said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie
silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it
and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed.
'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320
bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?' Louie just
nodded. 'That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We
are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as
many bibles as we could.' 'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the
minister! agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to
accomplish this, Louie.' Louie shrugged.. 'I-I-I re-re-really
do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just
tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

[Judy Harder]

Moving Smith
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

[Judy Harder]

Seen in the Cafeteria
At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend.  He found the man's e-mail addy and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail:  "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable."

His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read:

"Hi, Ron.  I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria.

[Judy Harder]

Waiting For Years
We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them.  Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house.  "I've been waiting twelve years for this!"

"Don't blame me, lady," he said.  "I just got the order this morning."

[Judy Harder]

Hashing It Out
I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood.  On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were cold.  I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.

When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job.  A server immediately handed me my first order.

"Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones."