The Speech George W. Bush might give

[Judy Harder]

HERE IS ONE TO TEST YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR

THIS IS FANTASTIC, MAKE SURE YOU READ EVERY WORD AND REGARDLESS WHAT YOU
THINK OF BUSH, WHOEVER WROTE THIS IS 100% ON THE MONEY.
BUSH'S RESIGNATION SPEECH

The following 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary Maineiac [a
resident of the People's Republic of Maine]. While satirical in nature,
all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. This is an
excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.  The speech George W. Bush might give:

Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not
doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who
more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has
happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a
lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or
something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or
impeachable offenses in this office. 

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up
because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world.
Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority
of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and
the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is
in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including
record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning
minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an
all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the
Clinton administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it
doesn't seem to have sunk in.
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded
to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these
markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of
you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because
there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small
handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront
property than your economic security.

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil'
thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's
oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me
this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons
take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so
they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the
intelligence was faulty.

Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the
goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was
official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton'
established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you? Now some of
you morons are considering another and more evil Clinton for president
!!!! Go figure that one!! She wants to take your kids away and let the
'Whole Village' raise them! i.e. governmental indoctrination .. Look this
one up you dumb asses!

The rest of you morons want to be led by a junior senator with no
understanding of foreign policy or economics, and this nitwit says we
should attack Pakistan, a nucular ally. And then he wants to go to Iran
and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy us. While
he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the
Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your money to the IRS so the
government can give welfare to illegal aliens, who he will make into
citizens, so they can vote to reelect him. He also thinks it's okay for
Iran to have nucular weapons, and we should stop our foreign aid to
Israel. Did you sleep through high school?

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during
the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic
models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because
fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were
simply able to out spend and out-tech them.

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care
if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as
they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they
can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over
the globe.

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in
the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because
you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law
enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of
that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long
and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long
and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things
through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that
wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.

Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy.
Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to
a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might
just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the
same thing.

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over
the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times, USA Today,
or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of
you would rather watch American Idol or Dancing with Stars.

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always
be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's
below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.

I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own
wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion
that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house
down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully
self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got
elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of
it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last
pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your
new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully,
because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you
remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So that's it. God bless what's left of America.

Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.

PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a Koran.

[Teresa]

 
That would be wonderful.. but 'twill never happen".. 

[Wilma]

Ms. T., when you say "twill never happen", do you mean that Bush would resign or that he could write a speech like that?

[Bonnie M.]

I like your new picture, Teresa!

[Teresa]

Ms. T., when you say "twill never happen", do you mean that Bush would resign or that he could write a speech like that?

Probably both Wilma. 

[Warph]

Bush may not be smart, but at least he's smart enough to know he's not smart.

Now, the rap on George W. Bush is that he's lazy, takes naps in the middle of the day, and would rather be watching television than focusing on what average Americans want for their lives. Hey, that is exactly what average Americans want for their lives.

You can't talk about George W. without addressing the strange Bilbo-Baginnian language that spurts out from between his lips like melted marshmallows coming out of a squirt gun.  As a matter of fact, when the words in Bush's throat see their colleagues  heading up to his lips, they react with all the giddy panic of teenagers watching a horror movie: "Don't go out there, man!  He'll butcher you!"

Now, arguably the only thing this president has in common with our last president is the completely unabashed, unapologetic affinity for drilling the shit out of everything on the planet.  It's not that I don't agree with the bottom line on many of Dubyas stands, because I often do.  Do I care about the National Arctic Wildlife Refuge?  Sure, I guess so.  But the mere mention of drilling for oil in it doesn't cause me to foam at the mouth like a rabid fruit bat blowing Mr. Bubble.  Give me a freaking break.  Every other vehicle in this country is a Lincoln Navigator or a Hummer with an "Earth First" bumper sticker on it.  You simply cannot blame George W. Bush for not being able to let you have it both ways. Besides, do you know how many caribou it takes to pull the average four-door sedan at a steady 65 miles per hour?  Believe me, here in AZ, the I-40 would be screwed.

Hey, let's face it.  He got into college by the skin of his teeth and into the Air National Guard the same way.  He won the presidential election by a margin narrower than Jimmy Carters mind.  Really, Bush's greatest achievement in his life up to this point has been to lower our expectations of him so that practically anything he accomplishes in the Oval Office is bound to impress us.  So much so that, if he can just finish out his term without stickin' a Roman candle up his ass on a dare from brother Jeb, he's probably gonna end up on Mount Rushmore.  Just kidding.  Truth be told, I like the fact that President Bush is not a slick Willy, that he mangles the English language.  I prefer a guy in there who knows what he wants to say but can't quite say it (McCain), instead of someone who is very eloquent about promises he has no intention of keeping (Obama).  Take George..... in the end, what this country needs, above all else, is someone who just keeps his word, even if that word is "Ca-rum-u-bob-ulate-tion-ism."

[Teresa]

We just got home a while ago.. Been out shooting guns.. cooking hamburgers with family and setting off fireworks..
What a great afternoon and evening it has been.

So before I go to bed.. I wanted to tell you Warph, that Kjell just got out of the shower..
walked in here and read this over my shoulder..said that he thought it was soooo good..and he just gave you a clapping standing ovation..
(Of course, he was naked.......... .. so maybe it wasn't like ....a ...well  you know.. professional ovation that you could count as highly respected....   
.. but I think you get the drift..
  hahahahahahahahahaa  

[Catwoman]

I'll never forget the speech that W gave some time ago, where he congratulated all of the straight A students...said he was extremely proud of them, as were their parents...and then reminded all of the C students that they, too, could become president!  I've never seen a more self-effacing person in the presidency...yet he has the tenacity required for the job.

[pam]

[Catwoman]

LOL, Pam! :-)  One look can say a thousand words! :-)