Political Humor

[Jo McDonald]

A good story you can tell even your youngest child and they will know
the difference between a liberal Democrat and a conservative Republican.

I remember the time that Catherine, one of my daughter Shannon's friends
when she was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.
Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there with
us - and I asked Catherine, 'If you were President what would be the
first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied, 'I would give houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow, what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.' I told her, 'You
don't have to wait until you are President to do that, you can come over
to my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will
pay you $ 5. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless
guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 to use for a new house.'
Catherine, who was about 8, thought that over for a second and then she
replied, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog
poop and you can pay him the $5.'

Welcome to the Republican Party, Catherine!!

[Teresa]

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it?  Tough!   Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ass!!!

[Judy Harder]

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs (A Political Fable)

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch,
she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began
calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope,
she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing . .. .....

'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed,
'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...

[Warph]

How To Tell if your favorite congressman is crooked...

   
* When you shake hands with him, two of your fingers are suddenly missing.
   
* He has an off shore corporation based in the Bahamas that supposed to sell bananas.
   
* Instead of calling him "congressman" his employees call him "boss".
   
* He has a wife at home, another in D.C., a maid, a housekeeper, a college intern, an out of college intern, and three more secretaries than he needs.
   
* He has a house in your district, but he never lives there, and one in Las Vegas, another in Costa Rica, another in D.C., another in Spain.
   
* Everyone pays him--the gardener, the garbageman, the cable guy, the local councilman, the mayor, the CEO from the airline, his mistress, his dog and the goldfish.
   
* The only way he gets to talk before the television cameras is if he is indicted.
   
* At roll call, he always seems to be on a foreign junket.
   
* Everyone else pays his bills.
   
* His pictures appear in his district at election time, but he can never make those debates that he scheduled.
   
* His dog is named "Bugsy".
   
* All of his real estate holdings pay no taxes.
   
* His apartment buildings are run down and need of attention.
   
* His daughter and son are running for student council, and Dad is supporting them with a ticker tape parade down the school hallway.
   
* His guest list at his parties include labor leaders, politicians,
   
* Miss America winners, Miss Universe Winners, some business men with lots of money and nobody from the press.
   
* His suits come from Paris instead of "Suit Bargain Express".
   
* His headquarters is in a high-rise.
   
* He never looks straight at you when he shakes your hand.
   
* After he does so, you notice that your rings are missing,too.
   
* His fillings in his mouth are now made of gold.
   
* His wife is driving his old Cadillac. His mistress is driving the new Lexus, and she is driving him.
   
* He has pictures of well-known politicians on his wall-with names such as "Lucky" and "Big Jim" and "Shifty".
   
* He spends more time in Las Vegas than he does in Washington.
   
* You only see him in the district around election time.

[Warph]

Today's youth are getting the opportunity to vote in their very first national election.

Here are some tips to help them:

   
* There are two political parties that dominate the electoral process, known as Democratic and Republican. Parties that you used to go to at Rocky Top's Bar, is not part of the current political scene.
   
* You vote by ballot at a polling place, you don't have to raise your hand and ask, "may I?" to get a ballot. If you are registered, they will let you have one.
   
* Girls, only one person at a time in a voting booth. This isn't the ladies room. There is no mirror in there.
   
* Instead of a listed candidate for an office, you can write-in your own choice. Just make sure it isn't a rap star's name from Harlem, or a deejay from Malibu that you put in as a joke. The listed candidates are funny enough.
   
* Contrary to popular opinion, you do not have to memorize the listing of candidates before you vote. This isn't a civics or constitution test. It isn't a test of your intelligence unless you voted for a cartoon character from an old Disney movie. Then they know that you haven't any intelligence.
   
* Some voting booths have "touch screens" to electronically register your choices. But it isn't a video game and don't search for "Monsters from Nara" or "Batman's Fantasy Shootout" on a side screen.
   
* Don't call the elderly election judge "pops". Nobody has done that since 1940. Also, the poll watchers outside are not spies from China.
   
* No cussing at the candidates names when you are in the voting booth. You should have done all of your cussing before you arrived and during the campaign. It's only after the election is over is when you finally realize that you voted in imbeciles.

[Warph]

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.  Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[Teresa]

Ohhh ..I needed that!

[Howell4ever]

"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno

"We're leaning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go, 'Why is he running for president?'" --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman

"John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old." --Conan O'Brien

[Judy Harder]

LOL.......thanks!

[Wilma]

I like that one, Jo.