The Rabbit Hole: I Have Just The Vacation For You

[Warph]

We've all seen them, now we can be them!  So you've often wondered what it would be like to be a Homelessness person wandering the streets. Why wonder, when you can do it. Follow the steps in this guide, and you'll be a fully functioning homeless person.

You don't need to throw you're whole life away to become homeless. You may not like being homeless, and you'll want to go back to your big house and Cadillac Escalade. Read on and I will show you the safe, risk free way of becoming homeless - And unlike the real thing, allow you to reclaim your old life.

You'll need to book some time away from work. A month minimum. If you're a teacher this would work best, because you have a couple months to disappear. Plus, it's in the summer, so your street life will be warmer than if you chose to do this in the winter. Make sure you tell your friends that you'll be unreachable so they don't worry about you, and file a missing persons report. The last thing you want to be, is found.

I suggest being homeless in another city other than your own. This will prevent you from being spotted by coworkers, bosses, friends, neighbors and so on. You won't want any of them looking at you when you're slumming it. What would they think of you then, you sick bastard.

Once you've picked out a prime location, you'll need to case the city for the homeless portion of town. You'll want to hang out with your own kind. You can usually recognize these areas by massive "tent city" or "cardboard city" regions, mostly consisting of those exact types of living accommodations. A good place to check is under overpasses, near river fronts, large run down industrial complexes, and near large garbage deposits.

I'm serious about the garbage deposits. When you're homeless, you tend not to have much. You've heard the saying that one man's junk is another man's treasure. While with the homeless, everyone's junk is like gold to them. When you have nothing, any type of something is very exciting. Especially if you can sell it for booze.

So you have your city, and your homeless village. Now you need to integrate yourself into their society. You'll need to leave everything behind. Your car, clothes, money and cell phone. Yeah, it's tough being homeless. Dress as grubby as possible and roll around in the dirt and some garbage. You're all set!

When you first step into their society, you may be frightened. Homeless people occasionally may be violent and creepy, but almost all of them are just down on their luck. Just assume the best unless proven otherwise. Introduce yourself. Be kind. Everyone likes to be respected. Remember, respect is important.

Although the homeless tend not to have much, some of them can be very giving. They may give you some of what they have, just to make sure your first night isn't horrible. Others will reject you right away, and treat you like the complete ass you are. Don't worry about these people, they're just being cautious. They'll come around in time. If you do have a little money, or anything of semi-value, keep it close and watch it like a hawk. Things tend to go missing pretty quick in a homeless village.

Your first night may consist of sitting around a fire barrel and sharing a bottle of cheap whiskey. This first night will be your best for the next couple weeks. If you keep digging into the whisky night after night, you'll eventually have to contribute. Just enjoy your time, it's a vacation after all!

You'll probably be able to bunk in someone else's tent or box the first night. If not, just curl up under something. Despite what the news tells you, you'll be fine. Screw the news. Even petty thieves are often too frightened to visit 'tent city'. You may be a little chilled at night, so cover up with anything you can - newspaper, cardboard, porno magazines, etc.

After you've made it through your first night, it becomes a little rougher. You'll need food. Getting food is no easy trick. You'll have to spend long hours on the streets with a cup begging for change. If your vacationing, lets say, in Athens, GA, the "Grit" is a good place to hang out.  Veggie lovers are big suckers for the homeless.  It usually helps if you have a sign.  I'd go with "Sick and Dying. Will convulse for change." Another great sign is "War Vet down on luck - Give me money, now." It doesn't really matter if you were a war vet. If they ask, just start talking about your days in Nam and ramble on about Charlie. Twitch a lot.

Now you'll need a place to sleep for a while. I prefer the cardboard box method, as tents and tarps are harder to find. You can pick up pretty big boxes behind department stores, grocery stores and other general merchandising stores. If you can get your hands on some super heavy duty tape, it'll help your cause. If you join several boxes together, you can make your home more roomy. This way you can host your very own cheap whisky cocktail parties. Just because your homeless, doesn't mean you can't be classy.

With your new friends, there will probably be many great things you'll be doing together. In case your having difficulty thinking up ideas, I'll pass a few on:

The whack job. This one is fairly simple to pull off - and you can do it anywhere. You just walk, sit, or crawl down the street mumbling things to yourself. You'll want to mumble loud enough for other people to hear you. I find that mumbling things about Jesus, the antichrist, George Dubya, old man winter and that little guy off the Lucky Charms cereal box are the most effective. Remember to keep your face down, and shake and twitch your head a lot.

Touch and go. I like this one. You walk up behind someone and touch their shoulder. When they turn to look at you, start screaming in horror. Saying 'No' frequently helps. People will wonder what's wrong. Just keep pointing at this person, and howling in fear.

The smack addict. It doesn't involve drugs. It involves slapping yourself. All the time. Sit down at a busy intersection and just smack yourself. Doing this while mumbling is very effective. You're not going to want to stick in one place too long though. People call the cops on nut jobs that hurt themselves.

Freak and spill. When walking towards someone coming out of Starbucks, or another of your favorite coffee shops, walk up to them and as you get near them, freak out and spill their coffee. This is a good release if you pretend everyone is your boss, or your mother in law.  Ruining a lawyer's nice Italian suit is always a plus.

I'm sure you can think of many more. When you've had enough of the homeless life, just hop a bus back to your city, and take a nice long shower. It's a nice little break from life. The next time you're on the street, and you see a homeless person acting crazy, just think - they may not be nuts, they might just be on vacation!    ...Warph