Giggles for 2008

[sixdogsmom]

You are learning aren't you? LOL!! 

[Judy Harder]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?"pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that
it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had
the flu all winter."

[Judy Harder]

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while
visiting a primary school class, found themselves in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead
the discussion of the word 'tragedy'. So the
illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.


One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,
that would be a tragedy.'

No,' says the Great Jesse Jackson, 'that would be an
accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

I'm afraid not,' explains the exalted Reverend Al.
'That's what we would call a great loss. ' The room
goes silent. No other children volunteered.


Reverend Al searches the room. 'Isn't there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
his hand. In a stern voice he says: 'If a plane
carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were
struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy.'

Fantastic!' exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, 'That's
right. And can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny, 'because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be
an accident either.

[Diane Amberg]

ouch!

[Teresa]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your
ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on
both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once
or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

[Judy Harder]

Investment Tips for 2008 - Thought I would share the knowledge ...

Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these, but here goes:  Investment tips for 2008 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
1.)  Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Ful ler Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:  Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.)  PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:  Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.)  3M will merge with Goodyear and become:  MMMGood.
4.)  Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:  ZipAudiDoDa .
5.)  FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6.)  Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7.)  Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8.)  Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:  Knott NOW! And finally ....

9.)  Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:  TittyTittyBang Bang.

[Judy Harder]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such an intriguing and seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The! Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

[Diane Amberg]

       HA!!!!!

[Carl Harrod]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"  The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...... "My wife's first husband."

[Judy Harder]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife....>

> A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
> submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
> my interest.  The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
> little something extra for my wife Julie.
> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.  The effects
> of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
> adverse affect
> on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety ...
> "WAY TOO COOL"
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
> batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!  I was
> disappointed.
> I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
> against a metal
> surface at the same time ... I'd get the blue arc of electricity
> darting back and
> forth between the prongs.  AWESOME !!!
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
> on the face
> of her microwave.
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't
> be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ?
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (trusting little soul)
> while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
> to try this
> thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and thought
> better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give
> this thing to my wife
> to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
> it would work as
> advertised. Am I wrong ?
> So ... there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
> reading glasses perched
> delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
> taser in another.
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
> disorient your assailant;
> a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
> loss of bodily
> control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
> flop on the
> ground like a fish out of water.
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> long, less than 3/4 inch
> in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
> bitsy triple-A batteries)
> thinking to myself, " No Possible Way "
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> best... I'm sitting there
> alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
> "don't do it master,"
> reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little thing
> couldn't hurt all that bad.
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.  I
> touched the prongs to
> my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF
> MASS DESTRUCTION !!!
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
> me up in the recliner,
> then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
> tears in my eyes, body
> soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
> with my left arm tucked
> under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
> The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before, licking
> my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
> Note ... If you ever feel compelled to " Mug" yourself with a taser,
> one note of caution ...
> there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself !
> You will not let go
> of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
> thrashing about on the floor.
> A three-second burst would be considered conservative.SON-OF-A-...
> That hurt like
> **%!!!  A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
> relative thing at that point),
> I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
> the landscape.
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
> they get up there?
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My
> face felt like it had been
> shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
> looking for my testicles!
> I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return !!!
> Still In Shock !!!
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it !!!

If you think Education is difficult ... " Try Being Stupid."