Giggles for 2008

[Mom70x7]

Sent to me in an e-mail:


A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.


In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle,
and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


          

[Teresa]

Let Me Tell You About My Doctor. He is Very good.

If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.

Another time he gave a patient 6 months to live. At the end of the 6 months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another 6 months.

While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, 'Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible.' The doctor said, 'Tell him I can't see him.'

Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, 'Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film.' The doctor calmly replied, 'Let's just wait and see what develops.'

One patient came in and said, 'Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.' The doctor asked, 'When did it start?' The man replied, 'When did what start ?'

I remember once I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: 'Don't answer it.'

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.

One said to him, 'Doctor, I think I'm a bell.' The doctor gave him some pills and said, 'Here, take these, and if they don't work, give me a ring.'

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, 'Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later.'

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

But doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month and a half for an appointment. Then he says, 'I wish you had come to me sooner.'

[Teresa]

The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

[Teresa]

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

[flo]

 

[Judy Harder]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
thathad a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to
go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....

'From all of us at the FireStation.
We'll never forget you.''

[Judy Harder]

Baked Beans - This is hilarious!
(This one is much too cute not to share. Enjoy! Be sure to grab a tissue; I think you'll be laughing so hard you'll cry!) One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Teresa]

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he
wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married so we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Teresa]

My age has been noticed!
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked,
"Are you having it catered"? And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!!

[Teresa]

China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.
There are so many Wings and Wongs in THE DIRECTORY,
people were always winging wong numbers.







I felt you needed to know this