Giggles for 2008

[Teresa]

[Judy Harder]

This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa 's room.


"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as
Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.



"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak,we're going to  Disneyland!!!"

[Teresa]

 

[Jo McDonald]

Chelsa Clinton went out on a date with a new boyfriend and when she returned home she told her Mother what a wonderful time she had and that she thought she was in love.
Hillary screamed " You didn't have sex with him did you"?
and Chelsa said, " Not according to Dad".

[sixdogsmom]

Now Jo, you know that's family business and Chelsea doesn't think that should be discussed in public. 

[Teresa]

Two Ways to Look at Things

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
And I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. 
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

[Teresa]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove i t to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."

[Lookatmeknow!!]

   ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
 
Smart man + smart woman = romance
 
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
 
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage   
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
 
______________________________
 


OFFICE ARITHMETIC


 
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
 
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
 
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
 
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
 
_____________________________
 


SHOPPING MATH


 
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
 
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
 
_____________________________
 


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


 
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
_____________________________
 


HAPPINESS


 
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.

 
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand
her at all.
 
______________________________
 


LONGEVITY


 
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more
willing to die.
 
______________________________
 


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


 
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
 
_____________________________
 


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


 
A woman has the last word in any argument.
 
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
_____________________________
 
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
 
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing
the
same thing to them at funerals.

[Diane Amberg]

   If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?

[Teresa]

It is almost sunbathing weather outside.. so be careful...