Giggles for 2008

[Teresa]

A man entered a bus with both his front pockets full of golf balls; he
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed right) blonde.


The puzzled blonde keeps looking at his bulging pockets. Finally, after
such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."


Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully, and
finally not being able to contain her curiosity any longer
asked...."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Jo McDonald]

 
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him
on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass
window .

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking
driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a
mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

[Teresa]

Learn how to weigh yourself.....

1.  Try letting out any gas by burping and passing gas.

2.  Never again weigh yourself with wet hair.

3.  When weighing, remove everything, rings, earrings,  any removable bridgework,  glasses and contact lenses ... especially the last two items as blurred vision can be an asset.

4.  Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off... to your advantage, of course.

5.  Always go to the bathroom first.  Take diuretics if necessary.

6.  Stand with arms raised and pointing out from your sides, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7.  Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8.  Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9.  Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

10.  Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack.  Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it.  You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

Note: You may want to stop letting go of the towel rack when you have reached your target weight.   

[Jo McDonald]

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down And drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means:
'Don't drink the water... the cows have crapped in it.')

The kneeling man shouts back:
'I'm a Muslim... I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you
can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam... speak in English.'

The Amish farmer says: 'Use two hands... you'll get more.'

[Teresa]

Norwegian Diet

A Norwegian was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Norwegian returned, he shocked the Doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS!

'Why, that's amazing!' the Doctor said, did you follow my instructions?'

The Norwegian nodded and said...'I'll tell you though, I taut I was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.'

'From hunger, you mean?

'No, yust from all dat skippin'!'

[Teresa]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to 
Feed the  pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up.  Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill 
Might have a cold or some urgent appointment.  But after Bill hadn't shown up
For a week or so, Sam really got worried.  However, since Sam didn't know

Where Bill lived (the only time they
Ever got together was at the park) he was 
Unable to find out what had happened to him.
 

After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. 
On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. 

Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,
'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' 

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.' 

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?!  What on earth for?'   

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde 
Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her.  What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me.  At age 80,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.' 

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[Teresa]

Hillary and Obama were in a boat going down the river. 
The river was extremely rough. 
The boat capsized.
Who was saved?





SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWER









































AMERICA

[Teresa]

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.  I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person. I no my spelling is not too good.

My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.  Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN   

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

















Employer's response:... 


Dear Bryan,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.
Thank You

Shirley

[Teresa]

[Judy Harder]

that is funny!!! LOL