New Contract for Santa

[T. Sackett]

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bubba Claus Is Coming To Town~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated..........Please read the following carefully.........


     I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.  Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.  I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California.  As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. 

     However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.  His side of the family is from the South Pole.  He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.  Differences such as:

1.  There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.  He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:  "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 

2.  Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe.  He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 

3.  Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin coon dogs instead of reindeer.  I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 

4.  You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives.  Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhart, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte.  On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5.  "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 

6.  As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off"  The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.  One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7.  The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.  Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 

8.  Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt.  If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.   

9.  And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town."  This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South.  Those song titles will be Mark Chestnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."   

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus 
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

[Diane Amberg]

Now, listen here Claus, those of us in northern Delaware met all the requirements that were asked for in negotiations. We took all the transfats out of the donuts that were requested and even came up with chocolate soy milk, since skim milk wasn't acceptable.  We've got nice salt grass and carrots for the reindeer since they needed to lose weight.  What more can we do?  Everyone agreed to have their chimneys cleaned and the fireplaces extinguished. (sorry about what happened last year.) We even put up Feliz Natividad posters so our illegals won't be offended. You seem to have the northwest and south covered, but what about us?

[sixdogsmom]

Now, listen here Claus, those of us in northern Delaware met all the requirements that were asked for in negotiations. We took all the transfats out of the donuts that were requested and even came up with chocolate soy milk, since skim milk wasn't acceptable.  We've got nice salt grass and carrots for the reindeer since they needed to lose weight.  What more can we do?  Everyone agreed to have their chimneys cleaned and the fireplaces extinguished. (sorry about what happened last year.) We even put up Feliz Natividad posters so our illegals won't be offended. You seem to have the northwest and south covered, but what about us?

Yuk! Anyone that actually serves choclate soy milk deserves to be ignored on Christmas Eve! Right on Bubba!! Bring on the Ding Dongs! I won't tell anyone about the huckleberry pies! But be sure to order PLENTY of R.C. Cola!! LOL! Merry Christmas To All! as they sank outa sight!! LOL!!

[Diane Amberg]

Is there really chocolate soy milk? I've never even tasted regular soy milk! I like tofu, but soy ''milk" doesn't sound good.

[archeobabe]

Soy milk tastes pretty good but I wouldn't use it to replace good old bossy milk.

[Tobina+1]

It depends on the brand of soy milk you get, in my opinion.  Chuck drinks Silk chocolate soy milk like it's going out of style.  It leaves a thick chocolate film on the sides of the glass.  I prefer to mix mine with regular milk so it's not quite so thick and chocolatey.  We tried the Light chocolate one time... yuck.  WAY too soy-tasting.  The vanilla Silk is pretty good, too, but the plain is just too soy-tasting.  I've tried other brands (8th Continent and some others), but the Silk is the best.

[Diane Amberg]

Now you've got me curious...I'm going to try some. Silk...I'll try it.