Mammograms

[Marcia Moore]

MAMMOGRAMS

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.  By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You should now be totally prepared, so make an appointment.

[Ole Granny]

That's it exactly, but necessary!

[Janet Harrington]

Oh my gosh.   I am laughing so hard.

[dandymomma]

I had my first mammogram last year after my doctor found a lump. Luckily it was only a cyst, but I honestly thought having thrush on my nipples after my son was born and still having to nurse him was 10 times more painful than having my boobies mashed into pancakes for 10 seconds.

Suck it up girls!!! Go get your mammograms!!!

[Teresa]

Introducing ...THE MAN-O-GRAM!
Now don't you girls think that THIS is fair?
All those in favor say "Aye"..

[Dee Gee]

NAY

[Teresa]

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned,
"All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
Everything clear?

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation
in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass)
When we heard...then felt.... a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me!??!! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and he other part  smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet. Now you take care." Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that.... Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps!!!!!!!!!