another giggle

[Carl Harrod]

Things you can't say with a Hallmark:

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Life like!"
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--so we're having you put to sleep."

[Diane Amberg]

WOW...ooch, ouch, yikes.

[Carl Harrod]

Stress management

   Just in case you have had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The world"!
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
See...You are smiling already!

[Judy Harder]

Georgia :
The owner of a golf course was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary
for some mathematical help. He called her into his
office and said, "You graduated from the University of
Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everything but my earrings. "
Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired
off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned
alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked..

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles
back up the trail," the successful hunter replied."

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter.
"But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


Louisiana:
A senior at LSU was overheard saying...
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied "he'd rather be in Louisiana
because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.


Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store
and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup
truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

North Carolina:
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side
of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in
front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did
understand it neither."

And My favorite:

You can say what you want about the South,
but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...

[Judy Harder]

Little Joanie's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Joanie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Joanie?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
   *    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *   *     
Little Joanie watched, fascinated, as her mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" she asked. "To make myself beautiful," said her mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Joanie. "Giving up?"


*    *    *    *    *     *    *     *     *     *     *
The math teacher saw that little Joanie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on her and said,
"Joanie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Joanie quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

; * *  *    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Little Joanie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "Th e detectives want very badly to capture him."   Little Joanie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

    *   *   *    *     *     *     *     *     *     *  *

Little Joanie attended a horse auction with her father. She watched as her father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Joanie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"   Her father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.   Jo anie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."   

[Jo McDonald]

The Outhouse...


Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around
when she hollers out....

"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin
wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see
what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong
with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,
then starts yelling, "Ma!

Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

[Ole Granny]

Love it!

[Carl Harrod]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,  "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little  to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried  to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken  Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is  falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,  "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Diane Amberg]

This one is true. Many years ago when I was teaching 5th grade we were doing a social studies unit on farmers, landlords, sharecroppers, slaves and agriculture. We were looking at a painting that had been reproduced on a page in the text. It showed a person handing a big basket of vegetables up to a man on horseback. I asked one little girl to tell what kind of vegetables were in the basket. She answered," corn, pumpkins, and smash." I couldn't talk for a few minutes for fear I would completly lose it!

[Carl Harrod]

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.