another giggle

[Teresa]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.  Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.

        Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, I now only have 18 hours left to live.  Maybe we could make love again?"  Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

        Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.  He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey?  Please?  Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

        Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.  He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.  "Honey, I only have four hours left!  Could we...?"

        His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm trying to be understanding.....but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

[Jo McDonald]

 

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

[patyrn]

I believe he's got the right idea!  How cute.......

[Carl Harrod]

Taken from an internet site where there's a competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second line.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty & so is your head.

After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between the eyes.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes . ..
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

I saw your face as you walked by
But then I saw a better guy.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If its true, I'd prefer you inside out.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell."

[Diane Amberg]

 My, oh my! And I thought I had a rotten sense of humor.

[Teresa]

A father walks into a bookstore with his three year old son. The boy has a quarter in one hand. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts shouting for help.
An attractive woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar, reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up; puts down the cup; neatly folds the paper and places it on the counter; and gets up and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and, then, ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the child's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and, without a word, returns to her coffee and paper.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Nope," the woman replied, "Divorce attorney".

[Teresa]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh** out of a ghost."

[Jo McDonald]

A very large family was having a reunion, with a dinner and a dance.  Two of the younger men were very always looking for pranks to pull on someone, and this time they chose their Grandfather.  The put a  Viagra pill in the cocktail he was drinking. They waited and watched him closely.  After a while the elderly gentleman got up to go to the restroom.  After a while he returned and the front of his trousers was all wet.  They went over to him and asked," Grandpa, what happened here?"  Grandpa replied, "well, boys, I had to go to the restroom, and when I got it out, I knew it wasn't mine, so I put it back in".

[Janet Harrington]

Now, I really laughed at that one.  Jo, that is so funny.

[Carl Harrod]

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother and found a water pistol. He squealed with de- light and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."