another giggle

[Teresa]

12-Step Internet Recovery Program

1    I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper  like I used to, before the Internet.
2     I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand  typing.
3    I will get dressed before noon.
4    I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
  5    I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6    I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7    I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8    I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling  them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9     I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10    I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11    I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12    Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

[Teresa]

All mothers will relate to this one.  I couldn't resist sending this on.

Potty Stop

A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.
By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker.  He loves to communicate and does it quite well.  He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.  People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume.  It's always fully cranked.  There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom.
If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:
"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy?  Oh! You gonna sit down on DA toiwet paper now?  Mommy, what are you doing?  Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?" At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5?  Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you?  Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy!  Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh .. Mommy!  I'm trying to see in dere.  Oh!  I see dem.  Dat is a very good girl, Mommy.  You are gonna get some candy!"
I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming newborn when you need her?  Good grief.  This was really getting embarrassing.  I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy we'll both have some!"
"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies.  Oh! Mommy!"  He started to gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy.  I fink I'm gonna frow up.  Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!!  Dat is so gross!!"
As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.  I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject.  I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets.  If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.
"Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter.  I bent down to count the feet outside my door. "Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under DA door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?"
More laughter.  I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.
"Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now.  We have to go out now, Mommy." He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!"
I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling.  I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, "Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?"
But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.


(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three.  She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses public restrooms)

[Judy Harder]

Oh this makes me so glad that I made it through the raising of my kids.

Tears formed.    Can we not relate to kids and the darnest things they will say.
Tell a child and your tell the world............suppose he took this to show and tell?
Thanks Teresa.

Hugs and God bless
Judy

[Janet Harrington]

Father - Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed.  Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking how she was doing in school.  Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew.  She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by.  All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0.  That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair!  I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work!  Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree.  She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."     

[Bonnie M.]

Janet, I loved your "Father-Daughter Talk."   What a great illustration!

[Teresa]

Now I really liked that . I am going to send it on to some people.. 

[Jo McDonald]

A travel agent  looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in  the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the  world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his  shop.

"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday,  so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary  to write two flight tickets and  book a room in a five star hotel.  They, as can be expected, gladly  accepted, and were  off!

About a  month later the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how  did you like  your holiday?"
he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the  room was lovely," she said. "I've come  to  thank you, but one thing 
puzzled me.  Who was that old guy I had to  share the room  with?"

(ACTUALLY, SOME OF  US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!)

[emptynest]

Justice, Edna


Ralph and Edna were both patients at a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there .

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's  heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged , since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.  How soon can I go home?"

[Diane Amberg]

 OH, BOO!

[Carl Harrod]

The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."