Humorous Story / Funnies

[Carl Harrod]

Boudreaux and the Frogs
  Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.
  Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.
  Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.
  A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.

[Diane Amberg]

   Dat's a gud un!

[Carl Harrod]

The Moral of the Story

    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question? What do women really want?
   Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
   He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
  Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
   But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
   The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
   The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
   Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
   He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
   He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
   Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
   What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.

   Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
   And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
   The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.
   The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
   Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?
   Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
   What would YOU do?

   Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
   Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...If you don't let a woman have her own way...Things are going to get ugly.

[sixdogsmom]

Ahhhhh---you are very wise!!!

[Teresa]

Manure: 

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

[Diane Amberg]

Well, I would've done said you are full of it, but since I can't be colorful any more because somebody might not like it,  I ain't gonna say it.

[Teresa]

Ahhh now Miss Diane.. You took the powwow to a degree that wasn't there.
Listen up .

You can be colorful! As colorful as you want to be.. no rules against that.. In fact there isn't any rules against much of anything
in this forum.. other than nitpicking people's grammar and spelling , where it makes them uncomfortable.

Now.. as far as me being ...ahhh what where you gonna say ? Spit it out..
**I double dog dare ya to say it**
But remember ...it takes one that is full of it to know "full of it"..

[Judy Harder]

Say Teresa,

I think we are all Red-Necks on here, or Red-neck want-a-be and if
you don't believe we are all FULL OF IT........you haven't been keeping
up with the Forum..........
a good sense of humor is a must.......but, first you must be able to laugh at
your own self.......LOL..........good day to all.
Hugs and God Bless

[Teresa]

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself,"This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.   

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit.  What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.  A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.  "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?   "These women seem awfully shaken."   


"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.   We just got off Route 127"

[Jo McDonald]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, " Stay here and be very QUIET, I'll be across the
field."

A little while later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and
ran  back  to his son.
"What's wrong" the father asked?
"I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered,
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.

I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.

I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.

I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.

I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and one of them said,
  "Should we eat them here or take them with us?
Well...   I guess I just panicked."


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