Humorous Story / Funnies

[Judy Harder]

Alcohol Issues
A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:
I went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

[larryJ]

Just too funny!  Thanks.

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

This Week's Laugh: The Laws of Parenting

The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 
Toys multiply to fill any space available. 
The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 
Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 
If the shoe fits...it's expensive. 
The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. 
The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. 
Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

[Jo McDonald]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 

[larryJ]

Got this from an old friend and former co-worker today and of course thought of Jarhead.

It is entitled...........IF YOU DON'T KNOW GOD, DON'T MAKE STUPID REMARKS!!!!!!

A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments.  He had completed many missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.  One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.  He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.  I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.

The lecture hall fell silent.  You could heard a pin drop.  Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am, GOD, I'm still waiting.

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.  The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.  The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and said, "What in the world is the matter with you?  Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an idiot.  So he sent me."

The classroom erupted in cheers.

_______________________________________

Larryj

[W. Gray]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back; we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

[Judy Harder]

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.  A retired Navy fighter pilot drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.  The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a  Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
 
"That's correct", said the boss.   "Another glass, please."
 
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
 
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
 
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. 
     
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something.  She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. 
 
The alcoholic tried it.  "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
   

[Judy Harder]

 NUN WAS SITTING AT THE VICTORIA AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CALGARY.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN; OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY .'
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ :
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE .'
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CALGARY."
 

[Ross]

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH TOMORROW.

THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING & SEXY "OLD" PEOPLE.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU THIS TO SAY "GOODBYE".

I've got to go pack.....

[Judy Harder]

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.  I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.  They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.  They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.  One last point:  No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:  Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.  One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters Degree from MIT in Fluid Technologies and Ship Design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.  His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.  The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.  Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina.  We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.  Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened, to find in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers.  Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."