Humorous Story / Funnies

[Judy Harder]

I thought you needed help with texting your friends...after all, the kids
have all their little codes...like BFF, WTF, etc. So here are the codes for
seniors:


ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

[Ross]

Ladies and Gentlemen
Hobo's and Tramps
Cross-eyed mosquitos
And bowl legged ant's

As I stand here before you
And sit there behind you
I'm here to tell you a story
I know nothing about

Early in the morning
Late at night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman hearing the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys

If you don't believe the story
I have just told you ask
The blind man
In the back that saw it all

Author Unknown

[Dee Gee]

I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

[flintauqua]

I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Like! 

[Teresa]

A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out, the other in.
The one that's in sends players out one at a time to see if
they can get in before they get out. If they get out before
they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get
in before they get out, it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before
they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in
and the team in goes out to get those going in out before
they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times, the game is
over. The team with the most in without being out before
coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case,
the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they
get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins
out but one team has more in without being out before coming
in.

[larryJ]

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

                                                                       THE JAR!
                                                               

An 85 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample
tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
                                                                 

The doctor asked, "What happened, didn't I ask you to bring me back a sperm sample?"

The man went on to explain, "Well doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

                                                                       

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then she tried her
left hand, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the
teeth out, and still nothing.
                                                               


We even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too,
but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried

                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               * we couldn't get the damned jar open."

[Warph]

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a
bank robbery on March 2nd, 2009:


Once  inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or tw o large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.' 

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:


'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....

[flintauqua]

Not right . . . not right at all!   (Where's the 'shaking head' smiley?)

[Judy Harder]

Why I am now divorced!


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch.....

Naked.