Humorous Story / Funnies

[Judy Harder]

Roping A Deer
(I wonder if any of you have tried this; or will admit to it?)
Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

       I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

       I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

       The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

       That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

       A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

       I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and  I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

       Did you know that deer bite?

       They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

       The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

       It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

       That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

       Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

       This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

       Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

       I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

       All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer

[Judy Harder]

Just funny




I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
 
---------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, we may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-----------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted  her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his  hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the  priest smiled broadly.  As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 
-----------------------------------
   
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,  'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to  say?' 

Artie  said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
   
  Eugene commented:  'I would like them to say I was a wonderful  teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's  lives.'
 
Carl said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
   
------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of  Mt.   Sinai  to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years  mean to you?' 
The  Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks,  'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'  The Lord replies, 'A penny.'   
'Smith  asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord  replies, 'In a minute.'

--------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife  said softly.. 
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. 
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

--------------------------------   
 
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have  to talk to you about it.'  The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' 
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'   
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads,  'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning  me, what should I do?' 
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll  see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'   
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said, 'Yes.'  The Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

[Judy Harder]

Second Opinion!
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can
cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your
spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He
had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was
without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized
that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye'd him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some
new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache.'

[Jo McDonald]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need your capitalistic over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the East for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.  Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said: "Your brother won't let me in without a tie....."

[Jo McDonald]

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew...and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked
Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.

The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went
in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned... And said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha.
I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haffta leave my socks on... so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
************************************

[Teresa]

 

[Jo McDonald]

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Nanaimo British Columbia and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. "The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

[Jo McDonald]

My Favorite Animal - -

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.     He said they love animals very much. 

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.   I don't understand.   My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

[Judy Harder]

An old  married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas
and says,  Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm  ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to  be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.' 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. 

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. 
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was  that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides


If you  don't laugh
At this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor  !!!!!!!!

[Judy Harder]

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,

DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of
small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ....

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS