Humorous Story / Funnies

[Teresa]

I got this by mistake.. I'm sure that it wasn't meant for me.. 

[Jo McDonald]

Marriage is like a pack of cards.



In the beginning, all you need is

two hearts and a diamond.



By the end, you'll wish you had

a club and a spade.

[Teresa]

Weather Report from Minnesota

I just got off the phone with my friend, Bill, in Minnesota. 
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is
still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is
increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. He
says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[Jo McDonald]

For Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne?.

"No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy."

[Judy Harder]

Truths for mature adults


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5.  I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 

10. Bad decisions make good stories. 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?  I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty.  Underwear gets dirty.  Pants?  Pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever. 

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! 

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[Diane Amberg]

These are just perfect.Thanks Judy!

[Teresa]

[Jo McDonald]

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande
River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all
the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also
struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that
was strapped to his back.



If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in
distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland
Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.


I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps

[Judy Harder]

 

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in.   What can I do for you?


Employee:  Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss:  Yes. 

Employee:  I won't beat around the bush.   Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss:  A raise?   I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. 

Employee:  I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss:  Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.  How does that sound?


Employee:  Great!   It's a deal!   Thank you, sir!
Boss:  Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee:  Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

LOL

 

[Judy Harder]

Sweet Tea


                  A  woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
                  Doctor:  "What happened?"

                  Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to  do.  Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

                  Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for  that.  When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your  mouth but don't swallow.  Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and is  asleep."

                  Two weeks later the woman comes back to  the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

                  Woman: "Doctor, that was a  brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

                  Doctor: "You see how much keeping  your mouth shut helps?"