Humorous Story / Funnies

[larryJ]

How about that?  Same joke, two threads----But mine was four minutes earlier than yours, so there

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

[flo]

Last night I got invited to a party and was told I had to dress to kill.
Apparently a beard, robe, backpack and turban wan't what they had in mind.

[Judy Harder]

Grandma Test

I was out walking with my Grandson.  He picked up  something off of the ground and started to put it in his     mouth.  I took the item away from him and I asked him not  to do that.   'Why' my Grandson asked.  "Because it's been on  the ground;  you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied. At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total  admiration and  asked  "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff??  You are so smart."   I was thinking quickly and said to him.   "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test.   You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently  pondering this new information.   "Oh....I get it! he beamed, So if  you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa". 'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face. .When you're finished laughing, send this to another Grandma!!...

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[Ms Bear]

CAJUN FIRST AID

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with serious pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes but mostly.....
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror".

[sixdogsmom]

Hoo! Hoo!  Good one!

[Dee Gee]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!!

[Jo McDonald]

 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the
end of it.
 
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one,
began to tell their stories. There were all the regular
types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
 
The teacher realized, much to her dismay, only Janie
was left. Janie, do you have a story to share?'
 
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my
Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm,
and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank
the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in
the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them
with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke and
then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
 
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What
did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible
story?
 

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Judy Harder]

Yep that is a good idea!

[Judy Harder]

---You may remember  the old Jewish Catskill comics of
Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields,
Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye,
Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman,  Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel  Brooks, Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny
and so many others.
 
And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
* I just got  back from a pleasure trip. I took my
mother-in-law to the  airport.
 
*  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever  finds out, she'll kill  me!
 
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
 
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be
reporting it. The  thief spends less than my wife  did.
 
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she  shops.
 
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we  spent our wedding  night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
 
* My  wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
 
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was  only for the  estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud  fell off.
 
*  I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still  confused. When I go to dinner,  I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel  hungry.
 
*  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him  another six months.
 
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back. " Mrs. Cohen answered,  "So did my arthritis!"
 
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See!  What did I tell  you?"
 
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.  The man asks, "Doc, how do  I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
 
*  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
 
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've been  brought here  for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
 
* Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
 
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
 
The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like  Chinese food so much. The study  revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
 
There is a big controversy on the Jewish  view of when life begins.  In Jewish tradition, the fetus  is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
 
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
 
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? 
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.
 
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole  officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
 
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
 
A man called his mother in Florida, 
"Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've  been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said,  "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why  haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered,
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
 
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 
"What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." 
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a  speaking part."
 
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
 
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to  change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't  bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
 
Short summary of every Jewish  holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won.  Let's eat.
 
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a  Jewish mother on the  street and said, "Lady, I  haven't eaten in three days."
"Force  yourself," she  replied.
 
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
 
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because  Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20%  off.