Humorous Story / Funnies

[Judy Harder]

A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.

- The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?
          He replied, 'Yes - caffeine.'

- Have you ever been in the military service?'
           'Yes,' he replied. 'I did 2 combat tours of Afghanistan.'

- The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asked,' Are you disabled in any way?'
          The guy said, Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.

- The interviewer grimaced and then said,'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are! from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan to start at 10:00 A.M... every day.

The guy was puzzled and asks, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?

-  This is a government job, the interviewer said. For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in that early.

[greatguns]

You gotta love it.

[Teresa]

I'm posting this as "humorous.. because I am sure to all the ladies.. it is!!  haha..

( for the record... **Did they REALLY teach this stuff?? **  No wonder it has taken us women a hundred years to get ourselves together.. 

[Judy Harder]

BOY, have we come a LONG WAY>  I am shaking my head and am
trying to find something "NICE" to say.......but I can't.......................bye

[Teresa]

If that happens at my house.. I won';t be the one moaning.. it will be him ..cause I've whacked him aside the head with a skillet..

[Teresa]

(Children Writing About the Ocean...,,actual writings from Children)  
*I laughed so hard*  

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are a incontinent. (age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend
any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through another butt on the top of its head. (Billy, age

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)

7 . - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8 - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom , and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he
quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

[Judy Harder]

Teresa I am still giggling. What we learn from the little ones!
Thanks for the laughs. I thougth I could pick out my favorite, but they
are all good for a giggle.

[Judy Harder]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
     This enables you at 85 years old
     to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
     home at $7000 per month.

     My grandpa started walking
      five miles a day when he was 60.
      Now he's 97 years old
      and we don't know where he is.
   
     I like long walks,
      especially when they are taken
      by people who annoy me.
   
     The only reason I would take up walking
      is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
   
      I have to walk early in the morning,
      before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
     
     I joined a health club last year,
      spent about 400 bucks.
      Haven't lost a pound.
      Apparently you have to go there.
   
     Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
      I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
   
     The advantage of exercising every day
      is so when you die, they'll say,
      'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
   
     If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
     start with a small country.
     
     I know I got a lot of exercise
      the last few years,......
      just getting over the hill.
 
    We all get heavier as we get older,
      because there's a lot more information in our heads.
      That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
     
     AND

     Every time I start thinking too much
       about how I look,
      I just find a Happy Hour
   and by the time I leave,
      I look just fine.
   
     Now, if you would like to share go
     right ahead. If not no one is going to care.
   
     Have a great day!
     

[Teresa]

[Dee Gee]

Life in a Small town.
Those who grew up in small towns will
laugh when they read this. Those who didn't will be in
disbelief and won't understand how true it is.

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.
2) You know what 4-H means.
3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you
could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #5.)
4) You used to 'drag' Main.
5) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
6) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.) Besides, where would you get the money?
7) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.
8 ) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
9) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
10) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn by Nelson's house, go 2
blocks to Anderson's, and its four houses left of the track field.
11) The golf course had only 9 holes. (what golf course???!!)
12) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
13) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a white vehicle for this reason.
14) The town next to you was considered 'trashy' or 'snooty,' but was actually just like your town.
15) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1955 as the 'rich' people.
16) The people in the 'big city' dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.
17) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or on Main.
18) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.
19) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay or hoe beets for the summer to get stronger.
20) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.
21) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.
22) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.
23) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
24) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.
25) There were no McDonalds.
26) The closest mall was an hour away. or 2 hrs!!
27) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
28) You've peed in a potato, beet or wheat field. or soybean field or mowing hay or......
29) Most people went by a nickname.