Humorous Story / Funnies

[Diane Amberg]

 

[Dale Smith]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'  The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I¢ve never danced. I jest never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.  When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

[Catwoman]

There was once a woman who, having been engaged in a deadly car accident, stood at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter looked at her, then carefully considered the Book of Life laying in front of him.  He read down the list of people who were supposed to be getting in and then said, "Yes, you are listed here.  However, before you can get in, you must answer one question before you will be admitted."  She swallowed hard and then said, "Very well.  Your question?"  He smiled at her and said, "Please spell the word, 'cat'."  She smiled beautifully, spelled the word and was granted admittance to Heaven.  After a number of years had passed, St. Peter needed to go to God to discuss some organizational matters and asked that same woman to please watch the Gates for him while he was gone.  She agreed.  While the woman was standing her watch at the Gates, her husband came walking up, having been the victim of a heart attack.  He was thrilled to see her standing there.  She looked through the Book and found his name.  "Yes, you're on the list," she said, "but before you can enter Heaven, you have to spell one word...Please spell the word, 'Czechoslovakia'".

[frawin]

Dale, I liked that one. Catwoman, that is just like a woman, always vindictive.
Both are good.
Frank

[Mom70x7]

'tis good:

[Jo McDonald]

 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
He did what???


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
     No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
      Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
      What a guy!
   

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
      No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
       See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
     I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
  Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
     Who would have thought!


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges!
     You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Oklahoma's construction program!


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
    He probably IS the battery charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
      That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
      Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
      Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

[Judy Harder]

Golf vs Sex...

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is> ahead by a couple of strokes.>

'Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,'> the golfer mumbles to himself.>

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and> whispers, 'Would you be willing to give up> one-fourth of your sex life?'>

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be> meaningless,

the golfer also feels that maybe this is a> good omen so he says,  'Sure,' and> sinks the putt.>

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, 'Gee, I> sure would like to get an eagle on this one.'

> The same stranger is at his side again> and whispers, 'Would it be worth giving up another> fourth of your sex life?'

> Shrugging, the golfer replies, 'Okay' And he> makes an eagle.> On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.>

Without  waiting or him to say anything, the stranger> quickly moves to his side and says,>

'Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest> of your sex life?'>

'Definitely,' the golfer replies, and he makes> the eagle.>

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger> walks alongside him and says, 'I haven't really> been fair with you

because you don't know who I am.> I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have> no sex life.'> 'Nice to meet you,' the

golfer replies,> 'I'm Father O'Malley.'

[Teresa]

A 1st grade teacher was reading the story of the 'Three Little Pigs' to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

[Diane Amberg]

Love it ! I think I had him in class.

[Teresa]

Out of the mouths of Babes   

HOW  DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by  kids)

You  got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports,  she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and  dip coming.
-- Alan, age  10

No person really decides before they grow up who  they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find  out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age  10

WHAT  IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three  is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age  10

HOW CAN  A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have  to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age  8

WHAT DO  YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't  want any more kids.
--  Lori, age 8

WHAT DO  MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates  are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long  enough.
--  Lynnette, age 8

On the first date,  they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested  enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age  10

WHAT  WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING  SOUR?
I'd  run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and  make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS  SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
--  Pam, age 7

The  law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with  that.
-  - Curt, age 7

The  rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and  have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age  8


IS  IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's  better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean  up after them.
-- Anita, age  9

HOW  WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET  MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,  wouldn't there?   
-- Kelvin, age  8

And  the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE  WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she  looks like a dump truck.
--  Ricky, age 10