Chuckles

[Carl Harrod]

A Montana rancher got into his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
     "Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.
     "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
     "Well," said the rancher, "Is yer Mother here?"
     "No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
     "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
     "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
     The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
     "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
     "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
     The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[Judy Harder]

THE IRISH PRIESTAn Irish priest was transferred to **Texas**....

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a finespring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to thewindow of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautifulday outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying deadin the middle of his front lawn. 

He promptly called the local police station .

Theconversation went like this:   "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I helpyou?"

"And the best of the day to yerself . This is FatherO'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackasslying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as tosend a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"   

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit,replied with a smirk,  "Well now Father, it was always myimpression that you people took care of the last rites!" 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.  Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; butwe are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[Judy Harder]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
==========================

======================

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

[Jo McDonald]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Teresa]

[Judy Harder]

Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran  Church ,

and Pastor Sven is the minister of the

Swedish  Covenant   Church across the road.

One day they

were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT

NOW BAFOR IT'S

TOO LATE!   

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,

"Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks,

"Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say,

Bridge  Out?

[larryJ]

I received this one and wanted to share.  Larryj

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:                                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple         
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding     
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be
President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a   
water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you 
the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another   
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to 
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. 
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never
stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut,     
blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.                     
                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                     
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about     
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.. You can open all 
your own jars.. You get extra credit for the slightest act of             
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be 
your friend.                                                             
                                                                                                                                                       
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more   
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are     
unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its 
original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You   
only have to shave your face and neck.                                   
                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                       
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- 
one color for all seasons . You can wear shorts no matter how your legs   
look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of   
choice concerning growing a mustache.                                   
                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                     
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25       
minutes.                                                                 
                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                 
No wonder men are happier.                                               
                                                                           
                                                                                                                                             
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy   
reading it                                                               

[Diane Amberg]

Grrrr!,

[Jo McDonald]

                     

                         



To (My Bank)

Dear Sirs:       
To my Bank;

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at
the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one
of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds ,"how
do I know whether that refers to *me* or to *you*?



Sincerely ~ ___________

[Wilma]