Chuckles

[heather_tyler_2014]

LOLLLLLLLLL that is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jo McDonald]

 


"It was autumn, and Indians on remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be was a cold or mild. Since he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!""





--

[Carl Harrod]

Grandma Test........

I was out walking with my four-year old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.  I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my granddaughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs." I replied.

At this point my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked: "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?  You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly.  "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test.  You have to know it or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for a few minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh. . . I get it!" she beamed.  "So, if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly." I replied with a big smile on my face.

When you're finished laughing, send this to another Grandma or Grandpa!!

[Judy Harder]

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10 sometimes 15 minutes late But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their 'Older Person Friendly' policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. 'Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.'

'Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.'

'Well good, you are a team player.
That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?'

'They said, "Good morning, General.
Coffee this morning,
Sir?''

[Carl Harrod]

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.  So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

[Carl Harrod]

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.  So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

[Jo McDonald]

 
Important Notice:

DUE TO RECENT BUDGET CUTS,

AND THE RISING COST OF ELECTRICITY, GAS AND OIL,

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

Sincerely,

Your Government

[Jo McDonald]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world.   Watch while I prove
it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.     
'What did I  tell you?' said the barber.  'That kid never learns!'
Later, when  the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
of the ice  cream store & says ; 'Hey, son!  May I ask you a question?
  Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied,  'Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!'
 

[Teresa]

Here's the reply the teacher received the following day

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. 
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.  I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.    Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.  It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs.  Smith

[Judy Harder]

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone  made the comment that preaching to people isn't  really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I     went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my     holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't  sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And     then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another     until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him  and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."