Chuckles

[dnalexander]

"The one thing that irritates us the most about other people, is the one thing that we dislike most about ourselves. "

One of the conclusions made in the most extensive research studies ever done why people irritate us.



Hard to admit that the people you find annoying are more like you than either of you would care to admit.

(My comment) David

[Judy Harder]

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN!!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humour)

[Carl Harrod]

She  Has Destroyed My Fishing Pleasure

Saturday  morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch,  grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the  boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a  torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50  mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and  discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the  day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed,  and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's  back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The  weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20  years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out  fishing in that?'

I still don't know to this day  if she was joking, but I have stopped  fishing.

[Teresa]

[dnalexander]

Bush Endorses McCain\Palin on Saturday Night Live

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-thursday-bush-endorsement/783981/


http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-thursday-bush-endorsement/783981/

[Catwoman]

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN!!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humour)

My favorite has always been..."I never date outside my species."

[Teresa]

PA SLEEPS NAKED


"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.


"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"


Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.


Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.


"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''


"Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"


"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."


"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!"


"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

[Judy Harder]

How funny! You had me laughing out loud and even snorting through my nose.

Oh Dear, Can I see that in my mind............Thanks I needed that.

Been a lonesome day so far........and I don't see it ending any time soon. May need to
crawl into a book, soon.

Hugs, God bless
Judy

[Teresa]

A senior citizen's group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City.

As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says "I've just been molested!

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.

The driver starts to think he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away".

[Judy Harder]

Is that why the Elk County people love to go on the annual bus trip...........

Hum, wonder just what does go on when they travel.

They all come back with smiles on their lips and tell us all the fun they had.

Good one Teresa, thanks.
J