Chuckles

[Teresa]

An elderly couple, Linda and Bob, moved to the country. Bob always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Linda looked him over. "Nope.'
Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Linda, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?!"
Linda looked up and exclaimed, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Bob yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Linda?"
"Nope," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
Without changing her expression, Linda replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a hat."

[pam]

LOL!

[Judy Harder]

The PASTOR'S CAT...

                This particular story just made me laugh.
Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat
just amuses me to no end. Hope the story leaves a bright
spot in your day.

                Dwight Nelson recently told a true story
about the pastor of his church.  He had a kitten that
climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to
come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The
kitty would not come down.  The tree was not sturdy enough
to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to
his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could
then reach up and get the kitten. 
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.
He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent
sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved
the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree
went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the
air - out of sight.

                The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over
the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little
kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.  So he prayed,
"Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went
on about his business.


                A few days later he was at the grocery store,
and met one of his church members. He happened to look
into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.  This
woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her,
"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how
her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept
refusing.

                Then a few days before, the child had begged
again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if
God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."  She told the
pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her
knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't
believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten
suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws
outspread, and landed right in front of her."

                Lesson learned:  Never underestimate the
Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

[Jo McDonald]

 


  A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home,
  he spent the weekend partying with the boys.
  When he finally returned home on Sunday night, 
  his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. 
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming,
his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up,
smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and
he could see her just a little out of the corner of his left eye. 

[Teresa]

The wife's graveside service had just barely finished, when there
was  a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of
thunder, shaking the earth like an earthquake, accompanied by more
heavy thunder rumbling in the distance for several minutes.


The husband, a little old man, looked up at the sky, then turned to
the pastor and calmly said "Well, she's there."

[Judy Harder]

Investment tips for 2009
With the turmoil in the market today, the bankruptcy of Lehman Bros. and acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, etc., this might be the time to share some good advice. 
For those of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations later this year:


1.      Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

2.      Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3.       3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4.      Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5.      FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6.      Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7.      Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8.      Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!


And finally...

           9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

[Teresa]

The Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband, 'I just let out a long silent fart What do you think I should do?'

He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Judy Harder]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility..

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life .'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
 

[Judy Harder]

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. THE END

[frawin]

JUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!