Chuckles

[flo]

 Sometimes it pays to be old


No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,  practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-- fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
 
Sally said, 'No.'
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One says:  'Tell us the story from the beginning'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

[Jo McDonald]

ooooooo  I Luuvvve those Granny jokes.

  Flo, Teresa and I can run with the big dogs on those.

Jo

[Catwoman]

Well, don't leave us hanging on tenterhooks...bring on the jokes!

[Diane Amberg]

Yes, please we've stretched enough. I need a good laugh tonight.

[Judy Harder]

This has been around, but for those of you who didn't see it, it's
hysterical.



If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer!
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My n ose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Ju dge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[Catwoman]

OHMIGAWD...ROTFLMRO.

[Diane Amberg]

WOW!

[Teresa]

That will have me chuckling for quite some time..

[Teresa]

Ed and Dorothy met while on an extended vacation and Ed fell head over heels in 'like' with her.

But after a couple of weeks, wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.

And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you that I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his new-found lady friend, "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's
going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Since we're being totally honest with each other, here goes....you need to know that I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied.

Looking down at the table, he was quiet for a moment, deep in thought.

Then he continued, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

[Teresa]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
onwhere she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is Ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, during her period or if she is menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest while he is on fire.

LOL.....LOL