Chuckles

[Jo McDonald]

 


Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the
reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government
officials sent by the
President to interview him.   "Chief Two Eagles,"
asked one official, "You
have observed the white man for 90 years. You've
seen his wars and his
technological advances You've seen his progress, and
the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official
continued, "Considering all
these events, in your opinion, where did the white
man go wrong?"


The Chief stared at the government officials for
over a minute and then
calmly replied, "When white man found the land,
Indians were running it. No
taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women
did all work, medicine
man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all
night having sex." Then
the chief leaned back and smiled.  "Only white man
dumb enough to think he
could improve system like that."

 

[Jo McDonald]

 



A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a
pond.

The Welsh farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un
a for."

Which means: "Don't drink the water the cows have sh** in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm an Iranian Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in
English."

The Welsh farmer says: "Use two hands, it holds more"!!!

[Teresa]

[Diane Amberg]

Once Al feels a little better and it doesn't hurt to laugh, I'm going to set him down in a padded chair and let him read all the funny stories and jokes. Very uplifting.

[Teresa]

Gettin' ready for hurricane season...
Got your FEMA Gold Ticket yet?

I was gettin' ready to call FEMA to get mine...
then I noticed the fine print

[Dee Gee]

WHAM

The man asked a woman driver if she would push his car to start it.  "With this newfangled tranmission, it won't start unless you're going 30 miles an hour," he explained, hopped in behing in behind his steering wheel.  It was raining, foggy, and dark;  and after he'd waited a minute or two, he stuck his head out and looked back --- sure enough, there she was . . . . almost up to his car, and coming at 30 miles an hour.

[emptynest]

STAY

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air.  She was stretched out in the back seat, and I wanted to impress on her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay.....Do you hear me?.......Stay!... Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am blonde, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

[Dee Gee]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. 

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!! 

[Teresa]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.  From
Morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
About something
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing
With his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
Field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began
To eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on.  All of a
Sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back
Of the head.  Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
Rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would
Listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
Approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
Disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer
About it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and
Asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook
His head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something
About how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was,  so I'd nod my
Head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[Carl Harrod]

The difference between a "fine watchdog" and a "ferocious beast" depends entirely upon which side of the fence you are on.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.