Chuckles

[Diane Amberg]

Carl, I just love those. I had one of a pair of twins in my class once who had begged their father for a dog. When they came back from Christmas break, they both came bursting into the room, all excited, before class started, to tell me about the "Labrador Receiver" pup they had been given.

[dandymomma]

Don't run your mouth until your brain is in gear.

Diane, where did you hear that one?? Can I get that printed on a T-Shirt, coffee mug, wall tapestry, etc.?? Better yet, can I get that tattoo'd backwards on my husbands forhead??

[Diane Amberg]

 I honestly don't remember where I heard that one; it was long time ago. It is appropriate for a lot of people. I'm sorry your husband is one of them.

[Teresa]

The guys were all at deer camp.
They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Joe because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Joe and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Joe snored so loudly, I couldn't sleep, so I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, you look awful! Was it Joe?"
He said, "Yeah, that Joe shakes the roof.You can't sleep with all that racket, so I ended up sitting  and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested."Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened? You look well rested!"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over tucked Joe into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night ".

[Wilma]

Oh, my gosh!!!

[W. Gray]

One has never encountered noise as when sleeping in a 20-man general purpose Army tent under field conditions.

Ages ranged from 18 to 60 and it seemed as if the tent flaps were constantly waving from all the loud snoring and other bodily noises during sleep from Taps to Reveille.

I would suspect, though, that the same thing was going on in the 20-woman tents.

[Carl Harrod]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quanta's is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[Wilma]

 

[frawin]

I enjoy this thread so much, I received some kids sayings that I wanted to add to it.
I wanted to add one that my younger son said when he was probably 4 or 5, he had said some bad words that he knew better than to repeat, Myrna washed his mouth out with soap, after he quit spitting the soap I heard him tell Myrna"now everybody is going to say I have bad breath"


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'

(2)

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

(3)

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

(4)

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

(5)

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


(6)

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

 

[Teresa]

I always laugh when I think of what Dustin Lanning told Patsy one evening.
He had come home form school starving and of course stopped at their place of business ( Lannings Auto) and
he ask what they were going to have for supper.
Patsy said that they were going to have the leftover roast and potato's etc.. He groaned real loud and said..
"Oh great! I'm starving and we are going to have to eat scraps!"