What the "Amazing Warphster" has found lately...

[Warph]

KIEV, UKRAINE — Following his overnight arrival in Ukraine amid the escalating regional tensions over the the Crimean peninsula, sources confirmed seeing U.S. Secretary of Nonsense Lurch Kerry wearing a trench coat and cloaked in shadows at the back of a seedy, smoke-filled Kiev café Tuesday while reportedly awaiting a woman known to him only as 'Dasha'. 

"All I know is that my contact goes by the name 'Dasha' and from the dossier I was given, she's extremely beautiful, deadly, and not keen on making my life easy," the United States' clown diplomat was reportedly overheard saying between drags of a pencil-thin cigarette held between his pursed lips. 

"The one thing I do know is there isn't a chance in hell this Secretary of Nonsense leaves Kiev without first making nice with Dasha.  No, one way or another I need Dasha, and not just because she's a mysteriously alluring beauty who's been known to seduce her share of foreign ministers. I mustn't underestimate her cunning and intelligence either—let's just say this is a woman who knows a thing or two, particularly about the socioeconomic realities of eastern Europe and the political divisions among the ethnic populations in the region."  

At press time, Lurch had reportedly detected the unmistakable scent of rosewood and nightshade, Dasha's signature perfume.

[Warph]

Islamic Ban on Female Flatulence Benefits Women Worldwide

Following up on last year's International Woman's Day breaking story about the ban on female flatulence in Indonesia, we have interviewed a local female flatulence expert, Fartima Passagasiya, to see how that particular government regulation has benefitted women and minorities one year later.

"The ruling prohibiting women from farting loudly in public places has certainly boosted our overall modesty and attractiveness," says Fartima, who also runs the local branch of eSharia.com.

"Before this law passed, many women had trouble finding a husband or maintaining a meaningful relationship, with us girls always issuing thunderous clasps of noxious fumes during dinner and a movie, and stinking up the room to the point of tears at the most intimate

"Practicing self-restraint is important while dating; your Twitter followers don't need to know how many times and how loudly you farted on the first date," she writes in her relationship advice column.

"Without government regulations, women would have absolutely no idea how to dress, eat, drink, speak, move their bowels, obey their husband, or pass gas," acknowledges Fartima, adding that the ruling has also improved women's sense of responsibility with the provision of 20 lashes for small farts and up to 3 months prison time for larger ones. "It's a gift that keeps on giving."

The controversial anti-female-flatulence prohibition, professionally known as "fartwa," has also raised concerns among some terrorism experts, who were worried about an inevitable increase in the number of women exploding in public places, which could potentially confuse statistical analysis of suicide bombings in that geographical area.

Fartima dismisses such explosive rhetoric as offensive to the honor of those who martyred themselves while upholding a woman's dignity. "These sisters must be celebrated as martyrs who took one for the international solidarity of women everywhere," she says.

Praising the ban on female flatulence as a fundamental victory for women's rights, Fartima stresses the symbolism of it coinciding with International Women's Day.

"Unfortunately, the international feminist community is still lagging behind with regards to being Sharia-compliant," she says. "Women in Western societies in particular would do well to take notice and demand similar legislations passed in their home countries."

Describing herself as a "radical Islamic optimist," Fartima sees a lot of opportunity in this area, admitting that great strides in this direction have been made in the United States by the First Lady.

"Michelle Hussein Obuma has introduced and passionately enforces government regulations on what to eat and what not to eat, what to drink and what not to drink, how and when to exercise, etcetera. And the ban on soda, salt, and trans-fats in New York City also brings them closer to our cultural model," she says. "There's yet hope for America."

[...]

Centers for Disease Control

Like we have proven through indisputable scientific proof since the 1960's, The Centers for Disease Control will show that flatulence kills, even non-female flatulence.

We will declare an all out war on flatulence - its production, its emission, its unwanted consumption by third-parties via second hand inhalation.

If second-hand smoke is a terrible disease, second-hand flatulence is worse. On that we can all agree. It must be regulated minutely, ostracized, and taxed into oblivion.

The Centers for Disease Control will direct its armies of busy-bodies to your local congressman's office to begin proceedings that will lead to the investigation and eradication of immoral profit taking by the corporations ultimately responsible for the origination of flatulence in any of the tempting flavors it may come in.

Flatulators beware! Your flatulations will soon be a thing of the past. In the meantime, you can huddle together in small, outdoor, cold, dank corridors at least 250 feet from the nearest entry to any public or private building.

[Warph]

The Difference between God and Obama

by Thomas Lifson
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2014/03/the_difference_between_god_and_obama.html

One of the oldest jokes lawyers tell begins, "What's the difference between God and a federal judge?" The answer, of course, is, "God doesn't think of himself as a federal judge." So that is what I expected when reading Oleg Atbashian's latest post at The People's Cube, titled "The Difference between God and Obama." But because is Oleg is a former agit-prop artist from the former Soviet Union, perhaps he was not familiar with American barrister humor. Instead, I found a piece of art and a list that made me giggle.

Here are a few of the differences that Oleg came up with:


Last night the most trending hashtag on Twitter was #DifferenceBetweenGodAndObama. Our Twitterer-in-Chief, Comrade General Secretary, posted these contributions, only scratching the surface. Feel free to add.

* * *

*God didn't have a "Previous Administration" to blame

*On the seventh day God rested; Obama rested for the other six

*God spake unto Moses; Obama spake unto giggling college students

*God commanded not to covet thy neighbor's property; Obama commands to covet and redistribute it, too

*God doesn't force you to sign up for his religion and tell you "If you like your commandment, you can keep it"

*God told Noah to build an ark; Obama told Noah "you didn't build that"

*God unleashed ten plagues on Pharaoh; Obama just signed him up for Obamacare

*God's chosen people wandered in the desert for 40 years; Obama's people wandered in healthcare.gov for 40 weeks

*God told Mary she was blessed with a child; Obama said she was punished with a baby

*God banished Lucifer; Obama's mentor dedicated a book to him


A few more I came up with....

**God's son didn't look like Trayvon.

**God's commandments are maxed out at 10.  Obuma has over 20,000.

**God issues commandments.  Obuma issues executive orders.

**God actually did "build that".

**God raised the oceans.  Obuma says he will lower them.

**God created the planet.  Obuma will heal it.

**Jesus fed thousands by the power of God.  Obuma fed millions by food stamps.

**God called the warming of the planet summer, Obuma calls it global warming.

[Warph]

Obuma's Plan to Pay People Enough to Eat Stirs Controversy

March 14, 2014

Washington — President-Loser Obuma has sparked outrage in Congress and renewed calls for his impeachment by signing a daring Presidential memorandum that would pay workers enough to eat.

The memorandum, which is based on the President's view that people should be paid for the hours they actually work, is shaping up as one of the most controversial and incendiary actions of his Presidency.

House Republican leaders held a press conference this morning to warn Obuma that, by advancing his agenda of paying people for the work they do, he is "playing with political fire."

"A Presidential memorandum is a powerful tool and should be used sparingly," said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio).  "It is not a vehicle for this President to enact his pet theories about people earning enough to survive."

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) concurred, telling reporters, "With one stroke of the pen, President Obuma is removing the single greatest incentive for work: hunger."

"Apparently, President Obuma needs a lesson in American history," he said.  "Hunger built the railroads.  Hunger picked the crops.  When the American people learn more about this action of the President's, they will see it for what it is: a hunger-killer."

[Warph]

There isn't such a thing as too many magic tricks, but this video comes close.  It counts down the 50 greatest magic tricks ever shown on TV.  Can you handle this much magic at once?

[Diane Amberg]

Really fun.Thanks.

[Warph]

NEW YORK - CNN apologized to its viewers today for briefly airing a story on Sunday that had nothing to do with the missing Malaysia Airlines flight.

The story, which caused thousands of viewers to contact the network in anger, had something to do with Crimea, Ukraine, and Russia.

In the official apology, CNN chief Jeff Zucker wrote, "On Sunday, we briefly cut away from our nonstop coverage of Flight 370 to talk about something else.  We're not going to sugarcoat it: we messed up.  CNN regrets the error and promises our viewers that it won't happen again."


Now for a "CNN Breaking News" Break:

WASHINGTON - In what was described as a major ramping up of sanctions, Secretary of Nonsense Lurch Kerry announced on Tuesday that the United States had frozen Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin's Netflix account, effective immediately.

"Unless and until Mr. Putin calls off the annexation of Crimea, no more 'House of Cards' or 'Orange Is the New Black' for him," Mr. Kerry said.  "The United States will not stand by and reward the annexation of another sovereign nation with a policy of streaming as usual."

While all of the sanctions Mr. Kerry announced on Tuesday were Netflix-related, he warned Mr. Putin that "nothing is off the table."

"I'm sure I don't need to remind the Russian President that 'Game of Thrones' is about to come back for another season," he said.  "As I have said, this thing could get very ugly, very fast."