This and That...

[Warph]

SATURDAY OPEN THREAD

(This week's open thread is dedicated to Al CRAPton's freakishly large head.

Here's your weird story of the day. You should infer nothing from the juxtaposition of Al CRAPton with an electric eel.

Bet you didn't know that electric eels have mind control powers... in addition to being really ugly cusses...)

[Warph]

Ferguson 'Activist' Who Met With Obama On Monday Charged With Assault... Update: Video Of Assault On Black Officers At City Hall

(This is the kind of guy promoted for 'solutions'
by Obuma and Commie NY Mayor De Blasio)

Via NY Post:
http://nypost.com/2014/12/05/ferguson-activist-who-promoted-peaceful-protests-charged-with-assault/

A young Ferguson, Mo., activist who touted his peaceful protesting as he sat next to New York Mayor Bill de Blasio on a panel with President Obama earlier this week was charged with assault Thursday after ­allegedly trying to shove his way into St. Louis City Hall.

Rasheen Aldridge, 22, sat only three chairs away from Obama during the Monday meeting that allowed Ferguson activists to voice their concerns to top officials.

"We want [the president] to come out and have accountability for police, we want him to acknowledge our pain, and that we have been peaceful," Aldridge told USA Today.

But on Thursday, he was one of three protesters charged with misdemeanor assault after they attempted to demonstrate inside City Hall on Nov. 26, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported. The building was put on lockdown.

Wearing a gray stocking cap, Aldridge stood at the front of the crowd, which tried to rush past a marshal guarding the building's south door.

Picture of Rasheen Aldridge, 22 busted by Police:

[Warph]

Raw Uncensored View Of What #Ferguson Protesters Think About Racism

VIDEO:

(How can we expect to live with those dangerous unreasonable illogical ignoramuses?  As dumb as the rocks they throw.  They need to be sent to reeducation camps to be able to live in civilization.  These idiot Clowns give good African-Americans a very bad name...)

Via IJR:
http://www.ijreview.com/2014/12/212156-shocking-ferguson-protesters-uncensored-thoughts-racism-obama-grand-jurys-decision/

    TruthRevolt's Ami Horowitz interviewed protesters on the streets of Ferguson after the announcement of the grand jury's decision not to indict Officer Darren Wilson.

    To say the atmosphere was tense and raw is an understatement. Some protesters expressed controversial views that many people would find outrageous. One protester said: We don't hate white people. Ya'll the devil.

    When Horowitz asks protesters, "Why are you all here?" a man can be heard replying:

    To f*ck sh*t up!

    Several protesters say Darren Wilson deserves to be killed, when asked what they think should happen to him. One visibly heated protester gets in Horowitz' face and has to be restrained by his friends.

[Warph]

Family Of Man Killed By Police: Don't Focus On Race

(Sad, sad case.  Killed while resisting arrest... sound familiar?)

Mother of victim

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/12/05/family-of-man-killed-by-police-dont-focus-on-race/19935523/?utm_source=feedblitz&utm_medium=FeedBlitzRss&utm_campaign=usatodaycomnation-topstories

PHOENIX, AZ — Two days after an unarmed Black man was killed by a White police officer in Phoenix at the height of national unrest over racially charged incidents, a grieving family wants to redirect the dialogue.

Rumain Brisbon's mother and girlfriend don't want the conversation about his death to center on race.

Nora Brisbon, who is black, and Dana Klinger, who is white, want the conversation to be about the son, boyfriend and father they loved.

"This had nothing to do with race," Nora Brisbon said. "This is about Rumain and the wrong that was done to him, and I want people to focus on that. If they want to rally, let's support him positively."

The family's request comes as demonstrations and protests continue across the country in response to the lack of indictments for officers who killed unarmed black suspects in Ferguson, Mo., and New York City.

Approximately 150 people gathered downtown at Phoenix Civic Space Park on Thursday night to "begin an active campaign of direct action and civil disobedience over the police-brutality-related death of Rumain Brisbon," said the Rev. Jarrett Maupin, a civil-rights advocate.

Maupin, who organized the event, led demonstrators in practicing their protest chants before marching more than a mile to Phoenix police headquarters.

That's not what Nora Brisbon was asking for. She said she would rather that the focus be on the positive aspects of her son's life.

"Rumain was the type of son that most people, believe it or not, wish they had," she said. "He could be a million miles away, and you call him and say, 'Rumain, I need this. Can you help me with that?' And in a few minutes: 'I'm on my way.' "

The women said Rumain, 34, doted on his four girls, one of whom — an 18-month-old who is Klinger's daughter — was close by when her father died Tuesday night, Klinger said.

A December 2013 photo of Rumain Brisbon with two of his daughters. Rumain Brisbon, an unarmed African American man was shot and killed by a white Phoenix Police Officer on Tuesday, December 2, 2014

.

"I don't know what they're going to do without their dad, and I don't know what I'm going to do without him to raise my child," Klinger said. "He took really good care of me, he checked on me every day. I don't know what I'm going to tell my daughter when it's time to tell her."

The women and the family's attorneys said they were dismayed by how Rumain Brisbon had been portrayed in the media and by police as a criminal. Brisbon had a criminal record.

The officer who shot Brisbon is a 30-year-old, seven-year veteran of the Phoenix Police Department. The department was not releasing his name, and a police spokesman has asked the public to withhold judgment until an investigation is complete.

Police said the officer had been tipped off that two men inside a black Cadillac SUV, one of whom was Brisbon, were engaged in a drug deal at an apartment complex near 25th Avenue and Beck Lane, just north of Greenway Road and east of Interstate 17.

Police said that the officer told Brisbon to show his hands but that Brisbon stuffed his hands into his waistband. They said that the officer drew his weapon and that Brisbon ran toward nearby apartments. A short foot chase ensued, followed by a struggle in which they tumbled into an apartment, police said.

The officer said he had gripped Brisbon's hand, which was in his pocket and coiled around something the officer presumed to be a gun. Police said that when the officer could no longer keep his grip on Brisbon's hand — and because he feared Brisbon had a weapon in his pocket — the officer fired two shots.

The object Brisbon was gripping was a pill bottle.

Court records show that Brisbon was serving probation stemming from a 1998 burglary conviction. He also was booked on suspicion of driving under the influence twice, in 2009 and in October. He also had a marijuana conviction.

Nora Brisbon didn't deny that her son had made mistakes but said he needs to be remembered for his "goodness."

"Of course, he did a few bad things here and there, but they've been taken care of," she said. "He was not just some raggedy thug out there on the street. He made a difference in everybody's life that he touched."

Marci Kratter, a Phoenix attorney who represented Brisbon in a DUI case and is now representing his family, said she hopes the officer is held accountable. Kratter said she is waiting until all the facts are revealed to define what accountable would mean.

Brisbon's mother said if anything comes out of her son's death, she hopes his story gives pause to officers in the future.

"Understand that everybody is not bad ... (to) think before they shoot," she said. "So many people are losing their families — black, white, all different races. This is a tragedy to us as a people."

[Warph]

Austin Cop's Incredible Sure Shot Stops Crazed Gunman, Saving Lives

(Amazing shot)

Via Fox News:
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/12/06/austin-cop-sure-shot-stopped-crazed-gunman/

Holding the reins of two horses with one hand, Austin Police Sgt. Adam Johnson raised his service pistol and fired a bullseye into the target some 312 feet away.

Down went Larry McQuilliams, and so ended his rampage through the streets of the Texas capital, where he'd fired more than 100 rounds from his AK-47 and .22-caliber rifles at buildings. The shot, from Johnson's Smith & Wesson M&P .40 pistol, hit McQuilliams square in the chest and made the 15-year-veteran the toast of gun enthusiasts around the country.

"At a minimum, it was extraordinary shot," said Army Maj. John Plaster, a retired Special Forces operator, long-range shooting expert and author of "The Ultimate Sniper: An Advanced Training Manual for Military and Police Snipers."

Video where you can hear the suspect firing round after round:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0rrhckbqwM&feature=player_embedded#t=36

[Warph]

Al CRAPton Says March To D.C. Is To Demand Federal Government
Intervene In States Justice System If Blacks Are Involved

(Ol' Racist Al CRAPton isn't a big fan of the U.S. Constitution)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=bbCamDeAuPE#t=

0

Rev Rat: "Do you think my ass is too big"

[Warph]

Finally: Obuma's "Body Man" Reggie Love Writing Book About Working For Obuma

Via Politico:
Former 'body man' Reggie Love will be penning a book on his experience working alongside President Barack Obama.

"Power Forward: My Presidential Education," will be released Feb. 3 by Simon & Schuster and will follow Love's five years working for Obama, including his time as the president's personal aide. It is described by the publisher as "a professional coming of age story like no other."

Expect plenty of basketball talk too, as Love, who began working for then-Sen. Obama in 2006 and left the White House in 2011, will also draw on his time under Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski, where the forward was part of the 2001 NCAA championship team.

"From his first interview with Sen. Obama, to his near-decision not to follow the president-elect to the White House, to eventually bringing LeBron, Melo, D-Wade, and Kobe to play with the president on his 49th birthday, Love drew on Coach K's teachings as he learned to navigate Washington," the publisher said.

[Warph]

Obuma Taken To The Hospital With Sore Throat, Guess The Diagnosis?

(Golly, gee whiz... a sore throat, huh... "soft tissue swelling"?  You don't think he's been hanging out with Reggie Love again, do yeah?

Gotta love this line: "He had extra time" to go to the hospital since it was raining and he couldn't golf...  LOL... Acid reflux is caused/made worse by stress, worry and aggravation, in addition to eating bad things, such as Reg... never mind)

BETHESDA, Md. (AP) — Acid reflux is causing the sore throat President Barack Obama has complained about for the past couple of weeks, the White House said Saturday, shortly after the president returned from undergoing diagnostic tests at a nearby military hospital.

Obama's motorcade made the approximately half-hour crawl in rainy weather to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland, where a CT scan was performed.

The scan followed a morning fiber optic exam that was performed on Obama at the White House by an ear, nose and throat specialist from Fort Belvoir Medical Center and supervised Dr. Ronny L. Jackson, Obama's physician and director of the White House Medical Unit.

In a statement, Jackson said the fiber optic exam revealed "soft tissue swelling" in the back of Obama's throat. Jackson said he and the specialist, who was not identified, determined that "further evaluation with a routine CT scan was prudent."

The CT scan was normal, Jackson said.

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/aa3621c369a749cf97648d87846de2bc/tests-obama-after-complaining-sore-throat

[Warph]

Obuma Makes Pathetic Nuisance Of Himself Across America

Every Town, USA -- Everywhere across the nation Americans are growing increasingly repulsed and disgusted at the man who insists on barging into their lives demanding their ceaseless attention.

From Delaware to Dechutes, from Seattle to Cincinnati, from Portland to Portland everyone everywhere is reporting that the President of the United States suddenly appears in their homes, their workplaces, their streets, and their businesses demanding "Look at me! Look at me! Look at what I can do!" and not shutting up.

"The wife and I thought we'd just spend the evening in, you know," said a typical American. "We just wanted to relax, have dinner, try and get on with our lives after the last stupid six years of childish crap we've had to put up with. Just breath a little, you know. So we're enjoying ourselves... just finally getting on with our lives like everyone is trying to do now, when who pops in without even knocking: Barack Obama. Guy just barges in to our house waving his arms around. 'Look at me! Look at me! Look what I can do!' he shouts over and over again. I mean, we're trying to ignore him. Can't we just get back to normal? He was't cute six years ago doing this, acting like a little kid. Now he's just sad and pathetic. The guy's what, like fifty years old?"

The story is the same all over the nation. Many report that Obama sometimes pleads with them to notice him saying that he is "nothing unless you notice me. I need you. Please, notice me. Look! Look at me! Looky what I can do! Please! You don't understand. Look at me! Look at me!"

"It's going to be a long two years," said a woman in Wichita. "I'm sick and tired of that childish pathetic idiot demanding my attention. I just want my life back. Why can't he shut up and just do his job executing the laws and let us alone and in peace already? Pathetic jerk."

[Warph]

Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'

Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'

Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'

Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first

The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of broken and disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office

White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders

Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time

Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy

Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents

Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences

Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity

Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow

African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is so incompetent, it scares us"

Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it

Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'

BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama

Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free

Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness

President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser

Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members

White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos

Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency

Obama vows ISIS will never raise their flag over the eighteenth hole

Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"

Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids

Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution

Obama draws "blue line" in Iraq after Putin took away his red crayon

"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original

Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts

Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks

100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"

Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news

"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence

Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours

Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues

"Free Speech Zones" confuse Obamaphone owners who roam streets in search of additional air minutes

Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed

Gloves finally off: Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account

Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"

In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea

Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"

Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"

Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"

US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"

Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help

The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."

In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook

MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia's aggression in Ukraine

Study: springbreak is to STDs what April 15th is to accountants

Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America

North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"

Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout

Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss

Feminist author slams gay marriage: "a man needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"

Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district

Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend

Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle

North Korean leader executes own uncle for talking about Obamacare at family Christmas party

White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare

Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas

OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea

President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy

Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"

Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC

Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"

Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week

Server problems at HealthCare.gov so bad, it now flashes 'Error 808' message

NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"

Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough

The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"

Dizzy with success, Obama renames his wildly popular healthcare mandate to HillaryCare

Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation

Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans

Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy

GOVERNMENT WARNING: If you were able to complete ObamaCare form online, it wasn't a legitimate gov't website; you should report online fraud and change all your passwords

Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare

Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria

Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"

DNC launches 'Carlos Danger' action figure; proceeds to fund a charity helping survivors of the Republican War on Women

Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees

Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left

Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'

FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp

Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies

GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'

Obama: 'If I had a son... no, wait, my daughter can now marry a woman!'

Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism

News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota

Susan Rice: IRS actions against tea parties caused by anti-tax YouTube video that was insulting to their faith

Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page

Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment

White House: top Obama officials using secret email accounts a result of bad IT advice to avoid spam mail from Nigeria

Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'

Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins

Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date

IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history

After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot

Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'

Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program

US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?

Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy

This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester

White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras

Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse

Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school

Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition

Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State

Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'

Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'

Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested

Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead

Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending

Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances

Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons

Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago

Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections

FACT: Obama smokes so you don´t have to.
Get Random Obama for your site

Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country

Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'

White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out

New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen

White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class

To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead

State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations

Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward

President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward

Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects

World ends; S&P soars

Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood

Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes

Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway

Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013

Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama

As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list

Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves

Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium

Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future

Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs

Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet

Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'

Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties

Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years

Obama attends church service, worships self

Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending

Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"

Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh

Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"

Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness

Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears

Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke

Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights

Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'

Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"

Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't

Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost

Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space

Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck

White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus

Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed

Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"

Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere

Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"

Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college

Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!

Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'

Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'

Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome

People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies

Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"

Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans

Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law

Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond

Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics

Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof

Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels

Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party

Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend

May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above

Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"

Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name

Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich

Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag

Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"

Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory

Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off

Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"

Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed

White House: "Let them eat statistics"

Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama