Did You Know....

Started by Warph, February 07, 2012, 01:53:04 AM

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Warph


...that for many American historians, the Civil War is the climax in the story of how the United States came to be what it is today.  But you knew that.  It's also a source of some bizarre and surprisingly cool trivia.  Check this out as it is all true:

1.  Lincoln's first solution to slavery was a fiasco

Early in his presidency, Abe was convinced that white Americans would never accept black Americans. "You and we are different races," the president told a committee of "colored" leaders in August 1862. "...But for your race among us there could not be war...It is better for us both, therefore, to be separated." Lincoln proposed voluntary emigration to Central America, seeing it as a more convenient destination than Liberia.  This idea didn't sit well with leaders like Frederick Douglass, who considered colonization to be "a safety valve...for white racism."

Luckily for Douglass (and the country), colonization failed spectacularly. One of the first attempts was on Île à Vache, a.k.a. Cow Island, a small isle off the coast of Haiti. The island was owned by land developer Bernard Kock, who claimed he had approved a black American colony with the Haitian government. No one bothered to call him on that claim. Following a smallpox outbreak on the boat ride down, hundreds of black colonizers were abandoned on the island with no housing prepared for them, as Kock had promised.

To make matters worse, the soil on Cow Island was too poor for any serious agriculture. In January 1864, the Navy rescued the survivors from the ripoff colony. Once Île à Vache fell through, Lincoln never spoke of colonization again.


2.  Hungry ladies effectively mugged Jefferson Davis

The Confederacy's image hinged on the notion that the rebellious states made up a unified, stable nation. However, the hard times of war exposed just how much disunity there was in Dixieland. Civilians in both the North and South had to cope with scarcity and increased food prices, but the food situation was especially bad in the South because outcomes on the battlefield were directly linked to the CSA's currency - rising food prices were hard enough to deal with without wild fluctuations in what the money in your pocket could buy.

Invading northern troops, of course, poured salt on the wounds of scarcity, burning crops and killing livestock. But in Richmond, Virginia, those who couldn't afford the increasingly pricey food blamed the Confederate government. Hungry protesters, most of whom were women, led a march "to see the governor" in April 1863 that quickly turned violent. They overturned carts, smashed windows, and drew out Governor John Letcher and President Jefferson Davis. Davis threw money at the protesters, trying to get them to clear out, but the violence continued. So, he threatened to order the militia to open fire, which settled things down pretty quickly.


3.  The Union used hot air balloons and submarines

The balloons, directed by aeronaut Thaddeus Lowe, were used to spot enemy soldiers and coordinate Federal troop movements. During his first battlefield flight, at First Bull Run, Lowe landed behind Confederate lines, but he was rescued.

The Union Army Balloon Corps got no respect from military officials, and Lowe resigned when he was assigned to serve, at a lower pay grade, under the director of the Army Corps of Engineers. In all, the balloonists were active for a little under two years.

In contrast, the paddle-powered Alligator submarine saw exactly zero days of combat (which is why it can't officially be called the U.S.S. Alligator). It suffered from some early testing setbacks, but after some speed-boosting tweaks, it was dispatched for Port Royal, South Carolina, with an eye towards aiding in the sack of Charleston. It was to be towed south by the U.S.S. Sumpter, but it had to be cut loose off of North Carolina on April 2, 1863, when bad weather struck. Divers and historians are still looking for the Alligator today.

But the undersea capers don't end there. A few months after the loss of the Alligator, the CSA launched their own submarine, the H.L. Hunley, named after its inventor. The Hunley attacked and sank the U.S.S. Housatonic off the coast of Charleston, making it the first submarine ever to sink an enemy ship. The only problem is that it also sank soon afterwards, and all eight crewmen drowned.


4.  "Dixie" was only a northern song

The precise details of when composer Dan Emmett wrote "Dixie" seemed to change every time he told the story (and some even dispute that Emmett was the author in the first place). But he first performed it in New York City in 1859, with the title "I Wish I Was in Dixie's Land."

Emmett was a member of a blackface troupe known as the Bryant's Minstrels, but he was indignant when he found out that his song had become an unofficial anthem of the Confederacy. He went on to write a musicians' marching manual for the Northern army.

Before and during the war, the song was a huge hit in New York and across the country, and quickly became one of Abraham Lincoln's favorite tunes. The day after the Surrender at Appomattox, Lincoln told a crowd of Northern revelers, "I have always thought 'Dixie' was one of the best tunes I have ever heard. Our adversaries over the way attempted to appropriate it, but I insisted yesterday that we fairly captured it." He then asked a nearby band to play it in celebration.


5.  Paul Revere was at Gettysburg

Paul Joseph Revere, that is... the famous Paul Revere's grandson. Unfortunately for fans of the first Revere and his partly mythical Ride, PJR was in the infantry, not the cavalry, with the 20th Massachusetts. He and his brother Edward were captured at the Battle of Ball's Bluff in October 1861. After being released in a prisoner exchange, the Reveres rejoined the fight.

Paul was promoted to Lieutenant Colonel in September, 1862, shortly before he was wounded in the brutal Battle of Antietam (a.k.a. the Battle of Sharpsburg). Edward, however, wasn't so lucky – he was one of more than 2,000 Union soldiers who didn't
make it out of Sharpsburg, Maryland, alive.

By the following year, Paul was promoted again to Colonel, leading the 20th Massachusetts at Chancellorsville and, in his final days, at Gettysburg. On July 3, 1863, he was mortally wounded by a shell fragment that pierced his lung, and he died the next day. He was posthumously promoted again to Brigadier General, and is buried in Cambridge, Massachusetts.


6.  Mark Twain fired one shot and then left

At least, that's what he claimed in "The Private History of a Campaign that Failed," a semi-fictional short story published in 1885, after The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, but before A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court. In it, he recounts a whopping two weeks spent in 1861 with a Confederate militia in Marion County, Missouri. But he introduces the tale by saying that even the people who enlisted at the start of the war, and then left permanently, "ought at least be allowed to state why they didn't do anything and also to explain the process by which they didn't do anything. Surely this kind of light must have some sort of value."

Twain writes that there were fifteen men in the rebel militia, the "Marion Rangers," and he was the second lieutenant, even though they had no first lieutenant. After Twain's character shoots and kills a Northern horseback rider, he is overwhelmed by the sensation of being a murderer, "that I had killed a man, a man who had never done me any harm. That was the coldest sensation that ever went through my marrow." However, his grief is slightly eased by the realization that six men had fired their guns, and only one had been able to hit the moving target


7.  The armies weren't all-male

Hundreds of women on both sides pulled a Mulan, assuming male identities and appearances so that they might fight for their respective nations. Some of them did it for adventure, but many did it for monetary reasons: the pay for a male soldier was about $13 month, which was close to double what a woman could make in any profession at the time.

Also, being a man gave someone a lot more freedoms than just being able to wear pants. Remember, this was still more than half a century away from women's suffrage and being a man meant that you could manage your monthly $13 wages independently. So it should come as no surprise that many of these women kept up their aliases long after the war had ended, some even to the grave.
Their presence in soldiers' ranks wasn't the best-kept secret. Some servicewomen kept up correspondence with the home front after they changed their identities, and for decades after the war newspapers ran article after article chronicling the stories of woman soldiers, and speculating on why they might break from the accepted gender norms. Perhaps not surprisingly, in 1909 the U.S. Army denied that "any woman was ever enlisted in the military service of the United States as a member of any organization of the Regular or Volunteer Army at any time during the period of the civil war."
"Every once in a while I just have a compelling need to shoot my mouth off." 
--Warph

"If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all."
-- Warph

"A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

Warph



Why do we vote for bad, ineffectual men?  Why do we keep them in office?

Is it because it allows for official license to do wrong? It provides for a crowd with which to run to do wrong.  It is easier to sin in a crowd than all alone.  If the leaders are immoral, wrong headed, stupid, we have more excuse for ourselves.

We bailed out failed business in order to give a veneer of success when we should have allowed them to reap what they sowed.  "Too big to fail" became the standard.  Nothing, no one is too big to fail.  Bad things come to a bad end and all you can do is forestall it a bit.

                               

We sanction abortion officially in order to take the sting of sin away from murderous action.  Most abortions are done for convenience not medical necessity of any sort.  Abortion has become the new birth control.  So we fight huge battles over it to make it acceptable and mainstream in order to sooth our consciences.  We call it a "right."  Women fight for it tooth and nail . 

Congress ignores the presidents credentials because their own are not impeccable either.  Over looking problems makes them go away in the modern world, so we believe.  And we dare not judge because our own problems are too large, we feel. We are in so deep that we allow others a lot of leeway.

We elect leaders who are adulterers, sex perverts, thieves, liars because we feel we are no better and their success means our own in spite of what they may have done.

If these sinners can succeed, maybe we can as well! Certainly television, radio, movies and novels make these things mainstream and normal , don't they?

We demand sensationalism in books, movies, games because we are no longer interested in the moral and the social and we are more interested in being entertained and excited than educated and improved.


Conversation and friendship have been replaced by twitter and facebook and texting because no one wants to spend time or put effort into real people anymore.  A quick smart mouthed quip is now the norm.  Discussion is gone, the one liner is in.  People have "relationships" not love or friendship, and endlessly discuss them in abstract terms rather than living them.  They are in a "relationship" not in love.

We are connected by cell phones and all kind of electronic life lines but we are more alone and solitary than ever before.

We cannot judge anymore because we feel that when we point our finger it points back at us too, and we cannot tolerate seeing ourselves too clearly as that might mean change and change is too hard today.

So deep in wrong are we that we elect leaders who reflect our worst sides.  We think that covers us in event of full disclosure.  We would rather hide the filth under the rug than to come clean and begin anew in the light of day, clean and refreshed.

Every aspect of life is fraught with iffy stuff. Even religions cover over sex perversion and in that way sanction the perversion and the disrespect for it's victims who just become nuisances to be gotten rid of quickly.

The pope, leader of millions busies himself with sweeping sin under the carpet rather than with real clean up and reform. He pays off victims to shut them up while the criminals stay in office.  But he is no different than our politicians today.  He is no different than many, many religious leaders today who do the same things.  They just are not in the same bright spot light that the Pope is.

                                   

Commercials are base and crass.  Private things are paraded in full view, discussed as if there is no self respect.  Indeed, there is none allowed anymore.  We even institute full nude body scans to further remove human dignity.

One such nasty commerical calls men who exercise 'muscle heads'.  To sell it's product, they are willing to denigrate others.  We laugh, we giggle, we condemn ourselves as idiots when we do.

Another asked 'does your marketing suck?'.  Base, crass, low words, mockery and abusive tactics are used to sell and few say much about it.  It is now how the common man talks in America where you can hear filth coming from the mouths of youngsters who can only guess at the meaning of some of the words they use.

When Bill Clinton sullied and profaned the office of President and spat upon the nation by using the Oval Office, a symbol of the highest office in America as a sex retreat, the majority of Americans defended him .

                                   

The base and filthy aspect of what the man had done was lost on them.  The use of that room and how it made his actions especially gross went over their heads because people have not only been dumbed down, they have lost moral certitude and direction.  Anything goes.  Anything is alright.  Anyone is okay to put in office as long as the people keep receiving their bread and circuses along the way.  We can overlook any and all sin if we are getting.

Getting and receiving have become the standard for judgment in the USA.  Bribes are the order of the day.  Though we are still the world's largest givers, thank G-d, we are fast becoming a nation of takers and, if the socialists have their way, taking will become the basis of the nation.  What's in it for me, is what many decisions are based upon rather than how will it help the nation, what good will come from this.

People have gone from warriors to whimps.  Grocery prices have gone sky high since the 1970s when you could buy a weeks worth for a family for $25.oo a week, now $200 is considered average.

A simple tub of ricotta cheese has doubled in price over the past year and not many seem to care.  It is as if they have money to burn.

In 1973 when, under liberal government, ground meat went from .25 cents a pound to $1.00 a pound in one swift jump, there was a hue and cry from housewives all over.  The government, whose sanctions and demands on farmers had made the price hike necessary, spit on the people and told them to use protein extenders in the meat to make it go farther.  They refused to leave farmers alone and imposed regulation after regulation that made farming a losing proposition.  This allowed their pals , the great agribusinesses with their horrific animal abuse and chemical farming to take the lead and push the family farmer out of business.
They no longer heard what Americans had to say.  Americans had now come under the jackboot of government who would now lord their power over the people.

Power had gone from the people to the central government who were going to rule the roost and make a buck off the masses. 
Today, this is accepted as a matter of fact and no one winces or says much because in return they get paltry perks from the government.  The ever popular hand outs, bail outs and bones tossed their way.  All this in exchange for government of the people, for the people, by the people.  All this.. this not so much.. in exchange for liberty.

And the people LOVE IT.  This is how debased we have become.

Even in the 1950s a family could set aside money for a home and buy it outright.  But there isn't much money to be made that way by bankers, so 30 year mortgages were introduced and pushed on the public.  Because of them builders could push prices higher and higher.

Banks make millions on loans for housing and your national and local governments make millions taxing your property and seizing it easily if you cannot pay.  You never really own anything under that system.  The borrower is always slave to the lender.

No one cries out about these things because everyone gets a perk from things.  We must not lose our perks no matter who gets kicked.

Our leaders in politics and religion today reflect us and how we have lowered ourselves for greed . We live in a society of "Get" and "Self" where things are tolerated that a couple of generations ago would not have seen the light of day.

Oh they went on, but they were in the dark because they would not be tolerated by decent people.  But today, almost everyone tolerates evil.

We reap what we sow.  You cannot plant potatoes and expect to reap lettuce and if you plant ugliness your harvest will be even uglier in full bloom.

We need to set our standards higher and expect more from our leaders and from ourselves.
"Every once in a while I just have a compelling need to shoot my mouth off." 
--Warph

"If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all."
-- Warph

"A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

Warph



Nuclear Bomb vs. Dirty Nuclear Bomb


The Dilemma:

What Just Happened?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!


People You Can Impress:

Fellow Survivors


The Quick Trick:

If you're standing in an absolute wasteland amid thousands of corpses, it was a nuclear bomb. If you're standing in a normal city street amid a moderate amount of inconvenience, it was a dirty nuclear bomb.


The Explanation:

Here is the primary difference: Nuclear bombs have, in the past 50 years, killed hundreds of thousands of people. Dirty nuclear bombs have, in all of human history, killed exactly no one—partly because they aren't terribly dangerous and partly because not one has ever been detonated.

Conventional nuclear weapons get their explosive power from either nuclear fission or fusion. The bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki—the only nuclear weapons that have been used in warfare—were both fission bombs. Fusion bombs, sometimes called hydrogen bombs, are even more powerful—the U.S. once detonated a 15-megaton fusion bomb in a test. That's approximately 100 times more powerful than "Little Boy," the nuclear weapon dropped on Hiroshima that instantly killed 100,000 people. Most modern bombs combine fission and fusion: a small fission bomb s used to create heat adequate to fuel the
fusion.

Even with the physics know-how, the bombs require exceedingly rare isotopes of either plutonium or uranium. The process of getting the elements to the necessary isotope is known as enrichment, and enrichment is generally the stumbling block for nations looking to join the nuclear club. It was even a challenge for the U.S.: Almost 90 percent of the Manhattan Project's budget was spent enriching uranium.

In short, nuclear weapons are extremely difficult to make—and we hope they always will be. A dirty nuclear bomb, on the other hand, could be made by a reasonably smart 14-year-old with access to hospital equipment. Dirty bombs combine conventional explosives (say, dynamite) with radioactive materials (say, cesium, which is used in radiation treatment for cancer patients). Almost all scientists believe that even in the case of a well-designed dirty bomb, the explosive would cause much more damage than the radiation. The fact is there just aren't any acquirable materials radioactive enough to cause much fallout. And while it could be very expensive and inconvenient to clean up an urban area after a dirty bomb attack—that's about it. In short, the difference between the two is that conventional nuclear weapons are infinitely more worrisome.


"Dirty" Little Secrets:

The only recorded attempt to detonate a dirty bomb came in 1995, when Chechen rebels—who had been on the forefront of terrorism techniques since the Soviet Union's breakup—called reporters to say they'd planted a bomb in a Moscow park. Made of dynamite and cesium taken from a cancer treatment center, the dynamite might have killed people, but its cesium would have been just the equivalent of a few X rays for those walking past the park. Regardless, the bomb was defused before it exploded.



"Every once in a while I just have a compelling need to shoot my mouth off." 
--Warph

"If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all."
-- Warph

"A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

W. Gray

When I was a kid, the Cobalt Bomb was intended to be the dirty atomic bomb doomsday machine.

None were built, though.
"If one of the many corrupt...county-seat contests must be taken by way of illustration, the choice of Howard County, Kansas, is ideal." Dr. Everett Dick, The Sod-House Frontier, 1854-1890.
"One of the most expensive county-seat wars in terms of time and money lost..." Dr. Homer E Socolofsky, KSU

Warph


Is The U.S. Too Big To Fail?????


The Roman Empire did not fall in a battle of war.  There was no single big clash of arms that drove it to its knees.  It was corroded from the inside.  At one stage, the wealthy held so much gold coins that there was not enough currency to keep services to the public going.  By keeping the money to themselves the wealthy had simply run the nation into the ground.

History is strewn with such examples.  Has this now happened to the United States?  Or is the US too big to fail?



"Every once in a while I just have a compelling need to shoot my mouth off." 
--Warph

"If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all."
-- Warph

"A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

Diane Amberg

On a similar but different topic it's interesting to read about how infection and disease affected wars. Bringing people together from all over and keeping them in close quarters back when vaccines were more uncommon led to a lot of non battle related deaths.

Warph



....that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg thinks the South African Constitution and the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms are preferable to the United States Constitution?  You think I'm kidding?  It's right there on the front page of yesterday's New York Times.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/07/us/we-the-people-loses-appeal-with-people-around-the-world.html?_r=2&partner=MYWAY&ei=5065

In a profoundly stupid and uninformed story entitled, "Around the World, 'We the People' Loses Followers," Times analyst Adam Liptak informs us that the United States Constitution is "terse and old" and "guarantees relatively few rights."  Recent founding documents from other countries, on the other hand, are "newer [and] sexier" and offer "a more powerful operating system in the constitutional marketplace."

In a television interview during a visit to Egypt last week, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg seemed to agree. "I would not look to the United States Constitution if I were drafting a constitution in the year 2012." She recommended, instead, "the South African Constitution, the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms or the European Convention on Human Rights."

If Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg can no longer support and defend the Constitution, as she is sworn to do, she should leave, RESIGN
.... and take the New York Times with her.

"Every once in a while I just have a compelling need to shoot my mouth off." 
--Warph

"If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all."
-- Warph

"A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

Warph

....that If you were to time-travel to San Francisco in the 1800s, you might run into a strange man making an inspection of the city streets. He would be dressed in a military uniform, a beaver hat with a peacock feather protruding from it, and he would be carrying an umbrella as if it were a royal scepter.
                                         
               Norton I, Emperor of the United States
                                 

Lucky you. You just met the Emperor of the United States and the Protector of Mexico. Born Joshua Adam Norton (1819-1880), the man had a few bats in his belfry, but the Californian who dubbed himself the Emperor became a beloved character in 19th century San Francisco, a city that has never much minded if your screws were a tiny bit too loose. When returning to San Francisco after a failed business venture in 1859, Norton issued an announcement in the local newspapers that he was now the Emperor of the United States of America " at the peremptory request and desire of a large majority of the citizens of these United States." He then called for a meeting at the local music hall so he could make "alterations in the existing laws of the Union ...."

                             

Norton I was just as well-known for his proclamations as he was for his presence, and he issued them frequently. He called for the dissolution of the United States Congress, a gesture which was naturally ignored by the government, so the Emperor turned to more local matters. He once issued a royal proclamation banning the use of the word "Frisco," saying guilty parties "shall pay into the Imperial Treasury as penalty the sum of twenty-five dollars."

As Emperor, he always ate free in restaurants. On occasion, he even issued his own currency, and local shops usually treated it as real money. The census record of 1879 actually lists Joshua Norton's occupation as "Emperor." The uniform he wore was given to him by the United States Army.

So the question is: who was the idiot? Certainly not Norton. In this case of the Emperor having no clothes, the town chose not to see his shortcomings. If one person makes fake money, and another person takes it, who is the silly one?

Norton I, The United States' first Emperor proved that anyone –but anyone– can lead a village of idiots. In his own way, he was a genius.

"Every once in a while I just have a compelling need to shoot my mouth off." 
--Warph

"If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all."
-- Warph

"A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

Warph



Founding Fathers' dirty campaign

.... that negative campaigning in America was sired by two lifelong friends, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. Back in 1776, the dynamic duo combined powers to help claim America's independence, and they had nothing but love and respect for one another. But by 1800, party politics had so distanced the pair that, for the first and last time in U.S. history, a president found himself running against his vice president.

Things got ugly fast. Jefferson's camp accused President Adams of having a "hideous hermaphroditical character, which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman."

In return, Adams' men called Vice President Jefferson "a mean-spirited, low-lived fellow, the son of a half-breed Indian squaw, sired by a Virginia mulatto father."

As the slurs piled on, Adams was labeled a fool, a hypocrite, a criminal, and a tyrant, while Jefferson was branded a weakling, an atheist, a libertine, and a coward.

Even Martha Washington succumbed to the propaganda, telling a clergyman that Jefferson was "one of the most detestable of mankind."

Jefferson hires a hatchet man

Back then, presidential candidates didn't actively campaign. In fact, Adams and Jefferson spent much of the election season at their respective homes in Massachusetts and Virginia.

But the key difference between the two politicians was that Jefferson hired a hatchet man named James Callendar to do his smearing for him. Adams, on the other hand, considered himself above such tactics. To Jefferson's credit, Callendar proved incredibly effective, convincing many Americans that Adams desperately wanted to attack France. Although the claim was completely untrue, voters bought it, and Jefferson stole the election.

Jefferson paid a price for his dirty campaign tactics, though. Callendar served jail time for the slander he wrote about Adams, and when he emerged from prison in 1801, he felt Jefferson still owed him.

After Jefferson did little to appease him, Callendar broke a story in 1802 that had only been a rumor until then -- that the President was having an affair with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings. In a series of articles, Callendar claimed that Jefferson had lived with Hemings in France and that she had given birth to five of his children.



Despite their bruising campaign, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams became friends again.


"Every once in a while I just have a compelling need to shoot my mouth off." 
--Warph

"If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all."
-- Warph

"A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

Warph

#9

....that it is my honor to present Robert's eulogy today.  He was my best friend.

At 66, Robert was taken way too young, but, like so many baby boomers, he lived life to the fullest... and we will celebrate his funeral to the fullest.

I'm still in shock over the freak accident that claimed Robert's life.  He'd been living at a Buddhist monastery for only one month when it happened.

Instead of meditating and practicing yoga like the others, Robert, always the debater, peppered the monks on points of philosophy.

One morning he was found dead in an alley with sandal-scuff marks on his robe and a small statue of the Buddha stuffed down his throat.

Apparently, he'd fallen out a window.

But that was Robert.  Like so many in our generation, he always did things his way.

I still laugh about the stunts he pulled in college.  To protest man's massacre of the Earth, he kidnapped the dean's toupee and threatened not to return it until a local coal mine was shut down.

I remember his first wedding.  He and his bride-to-be got married at the top of Niagara Falls, then went over the falls in a barrel.

When Robert had a son and daughter with his second wife... his first wife had died in a tragic accident at Niagara Falls.... he shunned traditional names.

He named his son Top Soil, because the rich dirt is vital to survival, and his daughter Oxygen, because he wanted others to "breathe in her beauty."

Well, now that Robert has passed on, it is only fitting that his funeral would also be unique.  So many aging boomers are planning unusual funerals, in fact, that several media outlets have been reporting on the trend.

Some boomers are having poems and inscriptions painted on their caskets.  Some are being buried with their pets.  Others plan to put on big presentations and broadcast them over the Internet for others to see.

Now that boomers are nearing 70 and beginning to pass on in sizable numbers, the funeral industry is one of the few to thrive in our struggling economy.

Smart Money says: "After five years of losses, the funeral industry is expected to see revenue rise almost 3 percent this year, and is projecting small but steady growth over the next five years as well."

Lucky for us, Robert was happy to oblige!  He carefully planned this, his last public event, well before his unexpected demise.

First, you may notice that Robert's casket is unusual.  It is actually a custom-made cryogenic freezer in which Robert will be preserved until advances in technology can bring him back.

Second, Robert had planned a massive party after this funeral service that he referred to as his "Earth wake!"  A Bob Dylan impersonator will perform and an open bar and buffet will be provided.  There will be a $10 cover.

Third, Robert has purchased a complimentary monk's robe and sandals for everyone in attendance, to help each of you begin your own spiritual journey.  Robert hopes you will one day become as enlightened as

Last, by dying so young, Robert figured he would save our country hundreds of thousands of dollars in Medicare and Social Security costs.

He figured it was OK to raid his children's college fund to pay for this funeral.... sorry, Top Soil and Oxygen.  He figured the government ought to pick up their college tab as a sort of trade-off.

That concludes this portion of Robert's funeral service.

Could someone please help me move Robert's cryogenic casket to the concert area?



"Every once in a while I just have a compelling need to shoot my mouth off." 
--Warph

"If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all."
-- Warph

"A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

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