Happy Independence Day

[Judy Harder]

Shouldering Her Weaknesses

What baggage does your wife carry? She's surely no more immune than you. Therefore, she may be burdened from any number of traumatic events in her past.

Are you allowing for your wife's weakness, loving her for who she is today, and not for who she might be at some point down the line? Sure, you may be shocked and dismayed at the weaknesses in your wife that were hidden until marriage exposed them. Maybe she comes from an abusive and dysfunctional background. Maybe she isn't a very strong Christian. Maybe she was even promiscuous before she met you.

Any of these things may be true. But some other important things are true as well. Your wife did forsake her individual freedom in taking you as her husband, believing you would provide love and strength for her. Your wife is still God's little lamb, regardless of the pain she's been through and the wounds she carries. Don't forget: God has entrusted her to you. Will you resent her? Or does your heart warm at the task of restoration? Is there any nobler act than pouring out your mercy on your precious bride?

Men, relate with your spouse based upon who she is today. Not upon what you want her to be. So what if she isn't who she should be today? Are you? Besides, it's not important that she becomes everything you expect. It's important that she becomes like Christ. Impart to her the same grace, mercy and strength that Christ imparts to you. 

[Judy Harder]

A Sober Request!

I'll never forget the night I was listening to Chuck Swindoll address about ten thousand Christians. Right in the middle of his message, I heard a statement that virtually sucked the air right out of the room.

He proclaimed, "I know some of you are having sex with your children. And I'm telling you to stop it. I'm asking you to stop it. You must consider the impact on your child. You must stop having sex with your children."

Why on earth would he say that? Because he was the pastor of a church and heard the confessions of people who'd been involved in incestuous relationships.

It is reported that the trauma of child abuse actually rewires parts of the brain in both function and structure. The effects are quite serious. The abnormalities can last right through adulthood, leaving the victim with such problems as aggression, poor emotional control, memory and attention disorders, and serious mood and personality disorders.

The nature of this sin is such that all of us would rather leave it in silence. But we simply cannot. Therefore, I repeat what Chuck Swindoll said that night: "You must stop having sex with your children." And I would add, I beg you to get the help you need.




USS Matrimony

Marital adjustment is a simple matter. Before marriage, you command your ship of life based upon the personal convictions of one person—you.After marriage you board the USS Matrimony. You are now dealing with the personal convictions of two people. It's something you must quickly learn to deal with.

Humility is essential to create and maintain unity on board. It requires a mind-set that honors your partner.

So, what's riding on this? Quite a lot—namely, oneness and intimacy. If you learn the art of servant-leadership, the sailing on the USS Matrimony will be much smoother.

Yes, you may have a compliant spouse who'll tolerate your less than humble ways. But in such cases, outer calmness is usually the result of an inner deadness in the marital relationship, not oneness and intimacy.

Without a humble spirit and a willingness to serve one another, you may have peace, you may have marital longevity, and you may even appear to have a marriage made in heaven. But you won't have a relationship based on intimacy, there will be road-side wounded, if not casualties, along the way.

I can't urge you strongly enough in your marriage to commit yourselves to a life of humbly serving your spouse.

[Judy Harder]

Finding Their Voices

As its founder, I've participated in several focus groups, surveys, and brainstorming sessions associated with the Women of Faith Conferences. Their objective? To identify and address areas where women felt they needed help becoming all God desires of them.

Perhaps the most common theme is that women need to "find their voices." In other words, Christian women today must discover who they are in Jesus Christ, and express that in their lives in such a way that glorifies God.

One of the reasons so many women need this kind of help is that so many men pressure and push women to be silent—to neglect their voice. Sadly, many men secure their own position by stifling or ignoring the identity, and unique gifting of women. Consequently, many women sense that their role is perceived as insignificant; they feel that their voice isn't recognized, valued, or welcomed.

It's the challenge of every man to help the woman in his life find her voice, and then, be respectful and receptive when that voice speaks. Men, I challenge each of you: guard the voice God's given to the woman in your life, whether it's your wife, your daughter, your sister or your mother. Stop and listen to her.

[Judy Harder]

Proverbs 31 Husband

Pastors often preach about the woman depicted in Proverbs 31 as what a wife should be. Godly, faithful, diligent, virtuous—she's the entire package. Now, I don't know about you, but I've never heard a sermon on what the husband of that woman must've been like. And I could stand to learn a few things from him—and probably some of you could too.

Look closely at Proverbs 31. The character and accomplishments of the wife imply many things about the husband standing silently in the background. He must've granted her a great deal of latitude to make important decisions about the home and the family budget. Furthermore, he must've encouraged and respected her—two ingredients crucial to her operation of the thriving business discussed in the Proverb.

If a wife is to be free to succeed in her multifaceted role, the husband must hear, respect, and support her. Otherwise, her gifts will be blocked, and she won't be the woman God called her to be.

Husbands and wives complement one another's weaknesses. It's ultimately, God's way of blessing each of you! The only things Proverbs 31 does say about the husband is that he's respected at the city gate, and that he rises to call his wife blessed.

[Judy Harder]

 

Romance

Men tend to be less romantically inclined than women. In itself, that's fine. However, we shouldn't let that tendency cause us to fall short when it comes to stoking the fires of our marriage.

It's easy to think, "Okay, now I've got a wife. What's next on the agenda?" But men, that's a big mistake. Romance lies at the heart of the female essence. Most wives are incurable romantics, and it's highly unlikely that your wife's an exception.

Bring her flowers on your anniversary, or sometimes for no particular reason at all. Take her to eat at your old haunts; drive by your old homes and apartments; skip a Monday night football game to take her to dinner; walk together at dusk holding hands; and give the gift of your time generously.

Romance tends to become less a priority after marriage. To make matters worse, many of us tend to confuse sex for romantic intimacy. One married woman put it like this:

"I love the romantic intimacy of a hug and extra attention, but any little hug and kiss I give...seems to suggest that I want to make love. How exasperating! I just want him to know that I love him, and I just want the same response back without feeling that I have to jump into bed. I just want him to hold me and talk to me; I just want to be near him."

Men, being mindful and responsive to your wives' need for romance is one of the most practical and powerful ways to love and honor her.

[Judy Harder]

Snuffing Her Out?

When you were courting your wife, she was worthy of speaking to yous on any topic at every level, wasn't she? Think back to those heady days of dating. You couldn't drink in enough conversation from the young woman you knew you were going to marry. You loved hearing every thought, every hope, and all her deepest dreams. You were learning her, and it was a thrilling, rewarding experience. Every opinion was a lovely thread in the tapestry she wove around your heart. But that was then; this is now. Somehow, somewhere, and at some nebulous point in time, things changed...

No guy would ever envision tuning out his lover before the wedding day. But in marriages all across the fruited plain, countless men snuff out the voices of their wives seeking to express themselves.

What this does to marital oneness isn't pretty. Snuffing out your wife's voice is a sin against her. It's also a sin against God, because it discards and hinders His purposes for her voice in His kingdom.

Relationships, like people, go through stages of development. Therefore, I'd no sooner suggest that you recreate the first months of dating than I would for you to try becoming a teenager again. I'm simply suggesting that, somewhere along the way, most of us have lost sight of something wonderful—something worthy of being reclaimed: an eager excitement to learn our wives. Men, our wives are precious jewels – don't overlook and fail to appreciate them! 

[Judy Harder]

 

Building Her Prestige

In Proverbs 31:29-31, the husband grants his wife her proper prestige with these words:

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

Men, we'll not only draw prestige from the success of our marriage relationship, but we must also be sure to build up the prestige of our wife. Of course, this begins in the home.

"Building up" begins with words, but must be verified and reinforced with actions. The Bible says in 1 Peter 3, "Husbands...be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as...heirs with you." Acknowledging that your wife is your fellow heir establishes that she's entitled to the same honor and respect as you. By contrast, you have no right to rob her of what you ought to give, and what God promised she'd have. Oneness isn't merely a feeling; it's built on actions.

Moreover, building up the prestige of our wives doesn't end in the home. What begins there must be carried out into the community. Here again, actions speak louder than words.

Gentlemen, can we justify placing our wives anywhere but in the highest place of prestige in our lives? We must set ourselves to the task of building up our wives—both inside and outside our homes.

[Judy Harder]

Sacrificial Love

If we're to love and serve our family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers in the manner God desires, we must understand the following three things:

First, sacrifice doesn't mean giving that other person everything he or she wants. But it does mean you consider the other person's thoughts and concerns are honored equally alongside yours; in the same way the white stripe is expressed equally with the red on a candy cane. You can't tell if it's red with a white stripe or white with a red stripe.

Second, sacrifice is more than taking another's thoughts into consideration. It's taking those thoughts and putting them into play with as much emphasis and care as you give your own thoughts—even if the thought processes of that other person may not make sense to you.

Third, you must develop your own style of carrying out this sacrificial love—a style that's customized to the character and needs of your relationship. You may not always agree with the other person. That's fine. Agreement is nearly as important as the way of coming to an agreement. You are different people, and even siblings brought up in the same hone with the same parents and surroundings come up with different opinions and answers to life. But, the use of the servant mind-set must always be consistent among all of us if we wish to love others as ourselves. 

[Judy Harder]

The Fragile Male Ego

Our fragile male egos can easily present a barrier to oneness and intimacy with our wives. One woman made this candid comment that makes my point: "Most things in our marriage are his plans and desires.[He never shows me any of his deep feelings, and I can't say that I've ever felt one with him. He once said, 'If I let you in and show you my feelings, I'd be vulnerable to becoming hurt.'"

A husband's refusal to be emotionally vulnerable is a sure sign that his fragile male ego is presenting an obstacle to marital health.

Another sure sign that the fragile male ego is at work is when a woman's gifts and talents are perceived by her husband as a threat to his competency. This is an issue I've seen come up time and again in marital counseling.

My point, men, is that an overly sensitive male ego undercuts our ability to be vulnerable and humble—two necessary characteristics for strong and growing marriages.

One of the church's great theologians was fond of referring to marriage as "the school of character." That's because marriage, by its very design, will teach us things like vulnerability and humility—that is, if we'll only commit ourselves to becoming attentive and teachable students.

The lessons we need to learn aren't always easy. Yet they're profoundly rewarding.

[Judy Harder]

The "Why" Of Romance

Guys, if there's any area in which we need to study our wives in order to serve them better, it's in the department of romance. Romance inspires her and brings feelings of marital intimacy to the surface.

Yet ask most guys what romance is and he'll begrudgingly mumble something about candlelight dinners and roses. But it's more than that. In fact, for some men, it might not be candlelight dinners and roses at all. That's because the chief ingredient of romance is knowing what special thing sparks her romantic motor.

But why is romance so important to our wives? Perhaps the best way to answer this is by considering a different question: why is respect so important to us? The answer to both questions: it's how we're made. It's what makes us tick.

Therefore, for the vast majority of women, going through marriage without romance is the equivalent to how a man would feel having to go through life without respect. In other words, much of the color of life disappears, and everything turns to gray.

Guys, that's why it's so important for us to study how to cultivate romance with our wives; and in particular, how to do this in a way that is according to each of our wives' own personality and liking. This is an important aspect of giving our wives the sacrificial love we're called to offer, and that they deserve to receive.