Happy Independence Day

[Judy Harder]

Refusing Responsibility

At no point in our country's history has there been such an epidemic of victimitis as there is today—that is, people who declare themselves powerless against their circumstances, metabolisms, or upbringings.

This victim mentality prompts many alcoholics to say, "Drinking problems run in my family—it's genetic. There's really nothing I can do about it."  Criminals say, "Look at my upbringing. I never had a chance. It's not my fault." I once spoke with the warden of a federal prison who told me that if he believed the inmates, there wasn't a guilty man there.

Don't create or allow circumstances to develop that can destroy you. Have you accumulated crushing debt? Given in to addiction? Refused to resolve broken relationships? Take responsibility for your life. Don't fall back on excuses like bad luck, bad genes, or bad parents.

Christians aren't exempt from the victim mentality either; we often put another spin on our situation—we blame God for things. The seductive power of the victim mentality is that you never accept responsibility. It's always someone or something else's fault.

I'm not saying your circumstances, genes, and upbringing don't affect who you are. They clearly do. What I'm saying is, regardless of all these things, we remain responsible for our own behavior. And more importantly, God is capable of bringing about change in any life, even yours—no matter how messed up it is.
 

[Judy Harder]

When Forgiving Seems Impossible

Corrie ten Boom, one of the twentieth century's great Christian spokespersons, lost her sister and father in the Nazi death camps of World War II, and she barely escaped with her own life too.

Years after the war, she began speaking on the subject of forgiveness. After one address in Munich, a former S.S. man who brutalized and humiliated Corrie while she was in prison approached her as the church was emptying. Beaming with joy, he said, "How grateful I am for your message Fraulein. To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!"

He extended his hand to her. She was frozen, trying to smile as angry, vengeful thoughts boiled inside her. Breathing a silent prayer and acting in sheer obedience, she finally managed to take the man's hand. She recalls what happened next like this:

"As I took his hand in mine the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me. And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on Christ's. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself."

Whenever forgiveness seems impossible, remember this: Jesus Christ lives in you, and He can do what you cannot.

Men, whenever forgiveness seems impossible, remember this: Jesus Christ lives in you, and He can do what you cannot.

[Judy Harder]

Characteristics Of Biblical Servanthood

Biblical servant-leadership is something we need to strive for in all areas of our lives. So today, I want to provide some guidelines for understanding a biblical picture of faithful servanthood within the community of Israel.

The faithful servants of Israel cared about those they served, and constantly sought new and better ways to serve them.

Faithful servants developed new skills to better serve.

Faithful servants did all they could to build the esteem and prestige of those they served; and this prestige, in turn, brought the servant prestige as well. He took great pride and honor in his role as a bondservant. And he, though perhaps wise in his own right, treated the thoughts and opinions of those he served as being as valuable as his own.

Faithful servants performed menial, thankless jobs in order to make room for those they served to exercise their gifts. The servant made allowances for the weaknesses of those he served as if they were his own. And in that way, he actively protected them from shame.

A faithful servant didn't dawdle in seeking forgiveness and reconciliation when his own sin caused any damage or shame to those he served.

Not a bad life, actually. Of course, to us Americans, this senario may seem a bit strange. You might ask, "Who'd ever surrender his freedoms to enter such a relationship?" But, in fact, you did—when you accepted the Lordship of Christ in your life. You serve him by serving others.

[Judy Harder]

 

Male Rebellion

Sure, Eve was the first to be deceived in the Garden of Eden. We're told that in the Bible. But Adam, on the other hand, knew that eating the forbidden fruit was in direct contradiction to what and Adam did so anyway!

Through the millennia, Adam's sons—that's us, guys—have been just as rebellious. We've chosen our own way with a high-handedness and intensity far beyond that shown by most women. Do you doubt this? I invite you to consider just one illustration that demonstrates my point: crime. Who commits crimes at a far greater rate, men or women? Men do. And of the crimes committed by men and women, which group commits crimes of a much more violent nature? Again, men have a clear and decided edge.

I'm not saying men are greater sinners than women. I'm saying that sin affects men differently than it does women, and consequently, that sin expresses itself in ways that demonstrate that difference. My point is this: men tend to be more rebellious than women.

Now, lets translate this point into the dynamic of marriage. Men are more likely to get bored with the straight and narrow; to grow tired of submitting to the needs of their spouses; to demand having things their own way.

Men, know yourselves! Not in order to "fix" yourselves. That's impossible. But in order to identify areas in need of transformation by the grace of Jesus Christ.
 

[Judy Harder]

Physical Intimacy

For woman, physical intimacy flows naturally from relational intimacy within marriage. So, guys, if you've been remiss on learning the style of servant-leadership that creates and fosters relational intimacy with your wife, you're probably experiencing an unsatisfying sex life with your wife. That's perfectly natural. In fact, it'd be strange if it were otherwise, since relational and physical intimacy are bound together.

A pastor once said, "See that chair over there? That's my counseling chair. Do you know what complaint I hear most often from married men? I'm just not having enough physical intimacy with my wife."

My own experience in ministry confirms this. Readers of my book Every Man's Battle send e-mails asking a variation of one basic question: "How can I get my wife to desire physical intimacy with me?"

Well, men, let me turn that question toward you: why don't more wives desire more physical intimacy with their husbands? The answer isn't mysterious. In the vast majority of cases, wives feel they have no real relational intimacy with their husbands. These women don't feel loved and honored in a way that creates a desire within them for physical intimacy.

But here's some news that should inspire you: every man I know who practices servant-leadership in his marriage also experiences a corresponding spike in physical intimacy with his wife. Men, you can't put the cart before the horse. Cultivate relational intimacy with your wife, and physical intimacy will naturally follow.
 

[Judy Harder]

Quality And Quantity?

You've heard parents say this about their kids: "I don't have much time to give, but what I do give is quality time!" I don't know what that means, and I bet your wife and children don't either. Even if they did, I don't think you really build relationships on so-called quality time.

How can you predict the quality of "quality time?" And what constitutes the distinction, anyway?

My point is that life just doesn't work that way. For instance, suppose you bought tickets to a local minor league ballgame for you and your son. You planned some real quality time to teach your son about the game you loved, and hopefully instill the same passion in him. But in the first inning he spots a friend, and they disappear together for the rest of the game. So much for quality time!

Then suppose in the same week, while heading to the grocery store, you bring your daughter along. No chance of quality time here, right? But among mundane chores and small talk, your daughter asks, "Daddy, what does salvation mean?" Your last minute errand just turned into quality time.

Quality time can't be manipulated. It doesn't happen at our beck and call. Instead, quality time sneaks up on us amidst quantity time. Consequently, the only way we can ensure quality time is to make sure there's quantity time—and plenty of it.   

[Judy Harder]

 

Spelling Love T-I-M-E

If you're to use your time wisely, you must be considerate of your wife. Not in the sense that she has the final say, but rather, in the sense that you as a husband lead by serving. Return her love, and express yours, by surrendering personal autonomy for marital oneness. That's your first commitment in marriage. As the old saying goes, wives spell love T-I-M-E.

As husbands, we usually don't spell love this way, so impasses will likely occur. They can be overcome, but as a husband, you can't make unilateral decisions regarding your time, or you'll pay a dear price. And although men don't naturally spell love T-I-M-E, you need to learn to do so if you expect to love your wife and kids properly. It requires a servant's heart because it requires sacrifice.

My friend Fred is a morning person, so by 10:00 p.m. he's practically ready for life support. Yet with four kids, this is precisely the time he and his wife Brenda are finally alone to talk. Fred knows that Brenda draws interpersonal intimacy from sharing conversation, so he's made a rule that when he goes into the bedroom at night, he sits in a chair rather than lying on the bed. That way, he can stay awake and talk with Brenda if that's what she desires.

In this small but important way, Fred's learned to spell love T-I-M-E. It's an act that honors Brenda's vital need with the same care as he'd honor his own.
 

[Judy Harder]

Loving Through Impasses

Men, just like with you, your wife's weaknesses will create impasses and threaten marital oneness. What will you do to bring oneness from such impasses? Demand that she straighten up and fly right? Surely there's a more effective way to help her when she needs guidance. Why not lay down your "rights" as the leader and graciously love her through these impasses?

Men, I want to present you with a challenge today: Stop evaluating your wife and resenting her because she doesn't perfectly measure up to your standards. Instead, start accepting and appreciating her—and show her that in practical ways. When you demand that she change, or manipulate her into changing, you actually cause her to dig in her heels in order to defend her ground and the person she is. But when you accept her and love her no matter what, she drops her guard. She stops digging in her heels because she feels free to be the best she can be. Free to change. Free to be the wife you need.

So if your approach has been to crow like a rooster over every one of your wife's imperfections, I suggest you eat some crow. Confess your unloving attitude to God and to her, and watch what happens. If she's like 98 percent of all women, she will draw closer to you. And your relationship will continue to grow for as long as you appreciate and accept her—imperfections and all.
 

[Judy Harder]

Male Visual Stimulation

Men tend to be highly visual. Consequently, they also tend to be very susceptible to sexual temptation when it's presented visually. Put bluntly: most men have eyes that follow every short skirt that walks by. This presents a huge obstacle to marital intimacy. One disgruntled wife put it simply: "Men are pigs." And to the extent we choose our own way rather than purifying our eyes and submitting out behaviors to God, it's an apt indictment.

Consider this letter I received from a reader of my book, Every Man's Battle:

"My husband has bought into the lie that 'all men look' because they're so visual. He read your book Every Man's Battle, but he still says it's impossible for any real man to avoid looking at a babe in a string bikini. This bothers me, but he's threatened me with divorce if I don't stop 'nagging' him about this...I'm sick to my stomach to think that for the rest of my life, I'll be robbed of fullness in my marriage. Because this bothers me so much, and because my husband is so sick of being reminded of it, he does it even more now! Can you imagine? Everywhere I go with my husband I know I can't keep his attention. NOWHERE!"

Note her pain, men. The lust of your eyes hardens your heart and blinds you to your own wife. This dishonors both your wife and the God who so graciously gave her to you.

[Judy Harder]

Purifying Your Branch

Let's be honest: most of our family trees aren't very pretty. In fact, for most of us, those branches are filled with adultery, pornography, divorce, substance abuse, addiction, physical violence, and more. And even if your family hasn't been affected by one of these, your family history hasn't failed to affect you in one way or another.

At some point, then, every man must decide: will I purify my branch of the family tree, or will I allow this poison to seep through another generations?

Purifying your branch of the family tree begins with driving a stake into the ground with the decision that you and your family will follow Him.

When you do this, you transition your family from a pattern of sickness to the possibility of living for God. For generations to come, people will look at your family tree and see that under your leadership, life was influenced for good rather than for evil.

Going against the trends of past generations isn't easy to do. But it's worth the effort to blaze a new path—a path that's honorable; a path that's worth following; and a path that will show God's grace and goodness to future generations