Christmas Misc..

[Teresa]

7 Years Old..

[Teresa]

        One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

        Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

        When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
        Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

        So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of  little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

        The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it  a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you like me to stick it?"

        Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Teresa]

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

                          1.  Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a

holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see

carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

                          2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare..

You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!   Who cares

that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into

an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.

Have two. It's later than you think. It will soon be Christmas!

                          3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole

point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano

out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.  Repeat.

                          4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made

with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying

a sports car with an automatic transmission.

                          5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an

effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party

is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

                          6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between

now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing

else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling

the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat
of eggnog.

                          7. If you come across something really good at a buffet

table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,

position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can
before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

                          8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat.   Have a

slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one

pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?

                          9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded

with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all  cost. I mean,

please, have some standards!

                          10. One final tip: Wear sweat pants/loose fitting clothing.

If you are leaving the party and you can walk without help from a construction

forklift,  "you haven't been paying attention, people!"   Re-read tips; start over,

but hurry, January is just around the corner.

[Ms Bear]

Thank you

[larryJ]

Column from Frank Giradot----Editor of the Pasadena Star-News---

I thought this was worth copying---------

NOT MUCH TIME LEFT TO FIND THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS PRESENT

I was looking at the SkyMall catalog in hopes of finding a unique Christmas gift or two as the big day gets closer.  But, after reading entries like "The Sinus Relief System, a device that "painlessly decongests sinus cavities .... without medication" and the Marshmellow shooter, a "clever pump-action device that shoots sweet edible miniature marshmallows over 30 feet," I began to realize there are too many choices.

Like the Canine Genealogy Kit.  "This kit analyzes your dog's DNA and identifies the breeds in its ancestry.  It provides scientific confirmation of the physical characteristics, behavior tendencies, personality traits and potential health risks your mixed-breed dog has inherited."

Look, I don't need to swab my dog's cheek to know that he's a mutt who is going to dig up my yard, eat any trash he can get his mouth around and chew up my sprinklers.  I have irrefutable evidence and don't need to spend the $59.95 to prove it.

Clearly SkyMall, available to Southwest Airline passengers, caters to the man or woman who has everything -- or almost.

Take the Dixon Earth "eco-friendly golf balls."  "These 100% recyclable golf balls and packaging are made from renewable materials."  Four sleeves sell for between $24.95 and $74.95.  Wow.  I get my recyclables on the first hole at Monterey Park Golf Course, commonly known as range balls, they cost nothing and are packaging free.  And, each has a pair of decorative stripes.

Among other products, I perused included a robotic tarantula; a framed trick photograph that makes it appear as if you were on the Green Bay Packers when they won that last NFL championship; popcorn makers, waffle irons, cell phone battery chargers, used seats from Yankee Stadium, pet sofas and flexible flashlights.

Then there is the creepy stuff like a GPS tracker that should have the headline "perfect for stalkers.  SkyMall also offers a full array of concealable video devices that would make James Bond proud and just about anyone else extremely nervous.

For just $41.98 you can play the guitar with just one finger with the "patented E- chord device that attaches to any guitar in just five minutes and gives you instant success."  Sorry, not hooking it up to my Martin.

Or, you can "astound and impress guests at your next Polynesian luau" with a 6-foot high replica Easter Island head.  Fortunately, the giant head, with its chiseled faux stone finish, weighs just 92 pounds and for the lucky owner, its manufacturer promises "curbside delivery."

Weapons are also available for a price.  You can buy a genuine handmade Irish shillelagh, "thought to have elongated into its form from its shorter fighting stick predecessor."  If you doubt that a stick can be a weapon, I've got a shillelagh, handed down by my 19th century Irish ancestors and let me tell you it could kill someone.

The perfect gift?  Yikes.

I began to get confused.  With 232 jam-packed pages of stuff, SkyMall became sensory overload.  3-D video glasses?  The essential Humphrey Bogart on DVD?  "Star Wars"- inspired light sabre chopsticks?

Ah, forget it.  This year, I'm buying gift cards at the grocery store.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj

[Teresa]

Grandpa's Christmas Story


Grandpa decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become too difficult.  All his grandchildren had everything they needed, so he decided to send them each a check.

On each card he wrote:

'Happy Christmas..'
Grandpa
P.S. 'Buy your own present!'


Conclusion:
Now, while Grandpa enjoyed the family festivities, he thought that his grandchildren were just slightly distant.  It preyed on his mind into the New Year.  Then one day he was sorting out his study and under a pile of magazines, he found a little pile of checks for his grandchildren.  He had completely forgotten to put them in with the Christmas cards.

[Judy Harder]

Merry Christmas (To My Female Friends)!                                                                                 
If I were old' Santa, you know what I'd do?
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I'd give you back all your maidenly vigour,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
From a doctor who thinks you're a stubborn old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never seem stupid,
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot!
Even though we've grown older, this wish is sincere,
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year!!!
                           

[Teresa]

[Teresa]

You all will get a kick out of this..
My boys have watched A Christmas Story every single Christmas for all of their 31 and 37 years..and they just howl  laughing at it every single time..  Derek knows every word to the show and he and Danny are always throwing bits and pieces at each other from it.   ( They also do it with "The Big Lebowski"  but that's another story....

so I made this for them..  I used Derek and Danny and Mason and Mark and I.. LOL
They loved it..

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

[Teresa]