Grins and Snickers

[Ross]

The Green Thing  :-)



Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.


Remember: Don't make old People mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

[Jo McDonald]

             



                                   LOL LOL LOL


           THAT PRETTY MUCH COVERS IT ALL. --- AND I CAN RELATE.

[Judy Harder]

It Was a Dark - and - Stormy Night
             
     
Bob Hill and his new wife  Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it  happens, near Transylvania . They were driving  in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.  It was late and raining very hard. Bob could  barely see the road in front of the car.  Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob  attempts to control the car, but to no avail!  The car swerves and smashes into a  tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes  his head to clear the  fog.  Dazed,  he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his  wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!  Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob  knows he has to get her medical  assistance.
Bob carefully picks his  wife up and begins trudging down the road. After  a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards  the light, which is coming from a large, old  house.  He  approaches the door and  knocks.
A minute passes. A small,  hunched man opens the  door.  Bob  immediately blurts,  "Hello,  my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.  We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife  has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your  phone?"
"I'm  sorry," replied  the hunchback,  "but we  don't have a phone. My master is  a  doctor;  come in, and I will get  him!"
Bob brings his wife  in.
An older man comes down  the stairs.  "I'm  afraid my assistant may have misled you.  I  am not a  medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it  is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have  had a basic medical training. I will see what I  can do. Igor, bring them down to the  laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up  Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob  following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table  in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and  his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an  adjoining  table.


After a brief  examination, Igor's master looks  worried.  "Things  are serious,  Igor.  Prepare a  transfusion." Igor and  his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob  and Betty Hill are no  more.


The Hills' deaths upset  Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the  steps to his conservatory, which houses his  grand piano. For it is here that he has always  found  solace.  He begins  to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody  fills the  house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still  in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement,                and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand  twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano  music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat!  He is  further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:






"Master,  Master!.....The  Hills are alive with the sound  of  music!"




(I am soooooo  sorry.....but you really should've seen that  one  coming!!)
   

[Diane Amberg]

  Why did  Gene Wilder come to mind?

[larryJ]

 

No I did not see that coming.  Great one!

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one & said, 'I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
 
'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'
 
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.
 
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
 
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol'
 
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
 
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to Unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake
The shit out of them and eat 'em! '
 
'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem.. You're Not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish Shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase.

[Warph]

JUST WHEN you lost faith in human kindness. . .

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch, and was writing to say thanks:

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "%@#& you."

Life is good.

Sincerely, Edna

[Judy Harder]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'




Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'




Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'




Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?




Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'




Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'




Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'




Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '


Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'



Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned.'

[Warph]

How to tell someone that their FLY is open

I see you have an opening in senior management.

Are you afraid of heights? Your fly is! (thanks to A M)

The cucumber has left the salad.

I can see the gun of Navarone.

Put the pickle back in the jar.

Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

Darth Vader is out looking for his light saber.

You've got Windows in your laptop.

Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

Lil' Lebron is at the free throw line.

Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

Zippity Doo Dah!

I see the priest is hearing confessions.

Paging Mr. Johnson. Paging Mr. Johnson.

I see an old mini van with two flat tires!

You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

I'm not liking the view from up here.

Mini-Me is making a break for the escape pod.

Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

Dr. Kimble has escaped!

You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

Do you have a license to sell hot dogs?

The genie is getting out of the bottle.

Are you doing an impression of an elephant?

The mouse is out of the house.

The bird has left the nest.

The barn door is open.

Elvis Junior has left the building!

Abraham Lincoln is leaving the theatre.

XYZ (examine your zipper)

Attention K-Mart Shoppers

I see a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!

It's 6:00 in St. Petersburg.  

Time to close the Lemonade Stand.

Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!

I see you have an opening in senior management.

Your junk drawer is open.

[Jo McDonald]

This student may have failed, but there is no denying that he is logical.


STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.