Grins and Snickers

[Jo McDonald]

Two Norwegians were sitting around talking one afternoon over a couple of cold beer.


After a while the first Norwegian says to the second, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'

The second Norwegian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even.'


 

[Judy Harder]

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through   blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening!  (This is too funny not to share)

[Jo McDonald]

                               Husband Down

Rick and Julie are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
Rick picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks Julie
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands Julie, and so they carry on shopping. 
A few aisles further on along Julie picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks Rick.
It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies Julie.
Rick retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

                 Then down he went.

[Judy Harder]

Sell my stuff if I die 

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.....


One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful,
sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly,
"When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."



"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.



"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a**hole using my stuff."



She looked at me intently and said:

"What makes you think I'd marry another a**hole?"

[Judy Harder]

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol
a year.

That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!

And for those of us who hike regularly and add maybe another 500 miles to the 900 of the average Joe, we really get good mileage !!!!!

[Judy Harder]

 THE DOG

Dear God:  Is it on purpose that our names

are the same, only reversed?

Dear God:  Why do humans smell the flowers,

but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God:  When we get to Heaven, can we sit

on your couch?  Or will it be the same old story?

Dear God:  Why are there cars named after

the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,

the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE

named for a Dog? How often do you

see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car

ride! Would it be so hard to rename

the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?


Dear God:  If a Dog barks his head off

in the forest and no human hears him, is he

still a bad Dog?


Dear God: We Dogs can understand human

verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns,

clickers, beepers, scent IDs,

electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight

paths. What do humans understand?


Dear God:  More meatballs,

less spaghetti, please.


Dear God:  Are there mailmen in Heaven?

If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:  Here is a list of

just some of the things I must remember

to be a good Dog:

1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats

it or after he throws it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,

crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's

underwear when he's on the toilet.

7.  Sticking my nose into someone's

crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand

straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before

entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside,

and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living

room, and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy',

so when I play with him and he makes that noise,

it's usually not a good thing.


P.S.  Dear God: When I get to Heaven,

may I have my testicles back

 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Judy Harder]

 The Green Thing

In  the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she   should
bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for  the
environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We  didn't have the green thing
back in my day."

The clerk responded,  "That's our problem today. The former generation did
not care enough to  save our environment."

He was right, that generation didn't have the  green thing in its day.  Back
then, they returned their milk bottles,  soda bottles and beer bottles to the
store. The store sent them back to the  plant to be washed and sterilized and
refilled, so it could use the same  bottles over and over. So they really
were recycled.

But they didn't  have the green thing back in that customer's day.  In her
day, they  walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every
store and  office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb
into a  300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she  was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they  washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the
throw-away kind.  They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up  220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the
clothes.

Kids  got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not  always
brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right; they didn't  have the green thing back in her
day.

Back then, they had one TV or  radio, in the house - not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a small screen  the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the
size of the state of Montana .  In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by
hand because they didn't have  electric machines to do everything for you.
When they packaged a fragile  item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up
old newspaper to cushion  it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire  up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the
lawn. They used a push mower  that ran on human power. They exercised by
working so they didn't need to  go to a health club to run on treadmills that
operate on  electricity.

But she's right; they didn't have the green thing back  then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of  using a cup or
a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of  water.

They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a  new pen, and
they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing  away the whole
razor just because the blade got dull.

But they  didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the  streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school  bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour
taxi service.

They  had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to
power  a dozen appliances.

And they didn't need a computerized gadget to  receive a signal beamed from
satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order  to find the nearest pizza
joint.

But isn't it sad the current  generation laments how wasteful the old folks
were, just because they  didn't have the green thing back  then.

[Judy Harder]

My kind of lady
     
> Gail went to the Brush Country Republican Women's meeting Tuesday.  The
> topic was Texas conceal carry law.  One of the speakers related the
> following story:
>
> 
>
> On the way to the previous monthly meeting an elderly lady was stopped by a
> highway patrolman.  He ask for her drivers license and insurance.  The lady
> took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman.  In with
> the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal carry permit.  He looked
> at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.  She
> responded that she indeed had .45 automatic in her glove box.  Something,
> body language or the way she said it made him want to ask if she had any
> other firearms.  She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center
> console.  Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, she responded
> once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.  The
> officer then ask her what was she so afraid of? 
>
> 
>
> She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"

[larryJ]

HA------good one.

Larryj

[Ms Bear]

Aging  Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly

despondent over the recent death of  her husband. She decided that

she would just  kill herself and join him in  death.

Thinking that it would be  best to get it over with quickly, she took

out  his old Army pistol and made the decision to  shoot herself in

the heart, since it was badly  broken in the first place.

Not  wanting to miss the vital organ and become a  vegetable and a

burden to someone, she called  her doctor's office to inquire as to

just  exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The  doctor said,

'Your heart would be just below  your left breast'.


Later  that night........ Mildred was admitted to the  hospital with a gunshot

wound to her knee.