Grins and Snickers

[Diane Amberg]

How funny!

[Teresa]

Forgot my glasses!

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys my own age. I did this, and when I got home last night I
told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier

[Judy Harder]

A son asked his mother  the following question:

   
     ' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? '  The mother looks at her
    son and replies: 
   
     ' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure. ' 
   
    The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. 
   
     ' Dad why are wedding dresses white? ' 

   
    The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

   
    'Son, all household appliances come in white. '

[Judy Harder]

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for
the first time. The first lady said, "I don't know 'bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties."

"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, "Dat's right, girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first."

[Teresa]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were  riding in a taxi in Montreal .
  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The  taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."

The  little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.

[Teresa]

Wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments, she uncrosses her legs ...
Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-S," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God, he responded, I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot........

[Judy Harder]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
Interesting, the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, then a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, the funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and patiently explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just be quiet and send this one on).

[Teresa]

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find
a young man standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

[Judy Harder]

 

John's Chicken Story !

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
Slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
Chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day .

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
And said, "You've got to do something about all
Of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens ."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
Go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING


Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
And said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
Workers and they put up a new sign :
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
                     

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
And called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
Doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
Anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain .
 
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign? "

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
Killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
Himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
Look at that sign... It might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."




So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood...


NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks !




  Keep Smiling  ! ! !

[Judy Harder]

 

Playing House

A boy of three and a girl of four, were playing house one day.

They played that they were man & wife and they were going away.

As they knocked upon a neighbor's door, the little girl bowed low saying, "This is my husband and I'm his wife. We're visiting you you know."

"Come in, come in," the lady at the door said, "and take yourself a seat . I'll bring you both some lemonade and something good to eat."

She gave them each a tall glass and a cookie on a plate. Later, she offered them a second cup of frosty lemonade.

"Oh no, thank you", the wee lass said, as she took the small boy's hand,

"We really have to go now. My husband wet his pants"