Grins and Snickers

[larryJ]

A man and his wife are playing golf at a very exclusive country club.  They are surrounded by beautiful mansions.  The wife tells her husband, "Be really careful.  If you slice it and break one of those  windows, it could cost us a lot of money."

Sure enough, on the eighth tee, the husband slices one and it sails through a window of the biggest and most elegant mansion.

The wife says, "Well, we might as well face the music and go over there and find out how much it is going to cost us to replace that window."

They knock on the door and are greeted by a man.  Behind him is shattered glass and a broken bottle.  The wife says, "We are so sorry about your damage and we are willing to pay whatever it costs to fix it."

The man says, "Oh, no need to apologize.  I am a genie and was in that bottle for a thousand years.  I can grant three wishes, one for you and one for your husband and I will keep one for myself."

The husband says, "I want a million dollars every year for the rest of my life."  "Done!" says the genie and turns to the wife.  "What is your wish?" he asks.

The wife says, "I want a house in every country in the world."  "Done!" says the genie.

The husband asks the genie, "What is your wish?"

The genie says, "I have not had sex for a thousand years and I wish I could make love to your wife."

The husband looks at his wife and says, "Well, we are going to have all that money and all those houses.  I guess I wouldn't mind."

So the genie and the wife go upstairs to a bedroom and make mad passionate love.  Afterwards, they lie there and the genie says, "Just how old is your husband?"

"35," she says. 

"Wow!  And he still believes in genies?"

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

A very prestigious cardiologist
>   died, and was given a very
> elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for
>   most of his life...
>
> A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the
>   casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
>   Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
>   heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
>   forever.
>
> At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
>   When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of
>   my own funeral...I'm a
>   gynecologist!'
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   The priest
>   fainted!......................                         

[larryJ]

From this month's American Legion Magazine...........

A traveler entering a small country store noticed a sign on the door warning, "DANGER!  Beware of dog!"  Inside, he saw a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor next to the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" the traveler asked the store owner.

"Yep, that's him," came the reply.

The traveler couldn't help but be amused.  "He doesn't look dangerous.  Why the sign?"

"Well, before I posted it, people kept tripping over him."

______________________________

A woman catching up with friends described a robbery scare she'd had the night before.  "I heard a noise," she explained, "and when I got up, I saw a man's legs sticking out from under the bed."

"Goodness!" one of her friends exclaimed.  "The robber?"

"No.  My husband.  He heard the noise, too."

______________________________

Three Boy Scouts told their Scoutmaster that they had done their good deed for the day.

"What did you do, boys?" asked the Scoutmaster.

"We helped a little old lady across the street," they all cried in unison.

The Scoutmaster was mystified.  "It took all three of you to do that?"

"Yeh," one of the Scouts piped up.  "She didn't want to go."

______________________________

A man told his friend, "Hey, that's a nice trumpet you've got there."

"I borrowed it from my neighbor," the friend replied.

"I didn't know you could play the trumpet," the man added thoughtfully.

"I can't," his friend said, smiling, "and now he can't either."

______________________________

A football coach was trying to help some of his less talented players develop their skills.  "Now listen," he said to them.  "What would you do if it was a fourth down, with three seconds to play?"

After thinking for a minute, one of the players replied, "Slide over to the end of the bench so I could see better?"

______________________________

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria.  Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" ------  Jimmy Fallon.

______________________________

And a quip------------A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer..............

______________________________

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

SHORT LOVE STORY
>
> A man and a woman who had never met before,
> but who were both married to other people,
> found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
>
>
> 
>
>
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
> they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
>
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........  'Ma'am,
>
> I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
> I'm awfully cold.'
> 'I have a better idea,' she replied: 'Just for tonight ... let's pretend that we're married.'
>
> 'Wow! ... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
>
> 'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damned blanket.'
>
>
> After a moment of silence ... he farted.
>
> The End
>

[larryJ]

Blond jokes from my cuz.............no offense, Teresa.....

A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She says,
"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blond spies a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"
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A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The Cop says "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
"Here boy!" she replies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the heck you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe".
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(now this one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
**********************
 
Larryj

[larryJ]

From this month's American Legion Magazine........

A sportsman just off the lake went into a fishmonger's shop and told the owner, "I'd like some fish to take home with me.  Can you make them look like they were caught today?"

"How many?" the shopkeeper asked.

"Three or four -- perch, let's say. You know, a decent amount, without seeming to exaggerate."

"You should really take the trout instead."

"Why is that?"

"No reason, really, except that your wife was here this morning and said that if you came by, I should recommend trout.  It's her favorite."

__________________________________________

A little boy and a girl were talking on the playground.  "My dad's an accountant," the boy bragged.  "What does your dad do?"

"Actually, he's a really important politician," the girl replied. 

"Honest?"  the impressed said.

"I didn't say that."

__________________________________________

A literature professor dreaded his Tuesday class, which was filled with some of the densest students he'd ever encountered.  One morning, he spent a painful hour explaining figures of speech.  When he asked if anyone had questions, there was a long silence before a young man in the back raised his hand.

"Could you put that in a nutshell for me?" he asked.

Feeling frustration rising in him, the professor retorted, "Just get it into your brain.  Then it'll be in a nutshell."

__________________________________________

A young couple had been dating off and on for years, and the man finally proposed.  "I knew this would happen," the woman said to herself.  "What do I do now?"

"Well, will you marry me?" the man repeated.

"I'm sorry," she answered, "but I just can't."

"Why?  Is there someone else?"

"Oh, there's just got to be!"

_______________________________________________

A private stood before his commanding officer for a recent offense. "It's your choice, private," the officer said.  "One month's restriction or 20 days pay."

"I'll take the money, sir."

_______________________________________________

(And this from Jay Leno...........)

"New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030.  They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in.  Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?"

_______________________________________________

Larryj

[Warph]

Rare Shots:

[Judy Harder]

Tale of Two doctors...
>
> Two patients limp into
> two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
> Both have trouble
> walking and appear to require hip surgery.
>
> The FIRST patient is
> examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and
> has a time booked for
> surgery the following week.
>
> The SECOND sees his
> family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,
> then waits 8 weeks to
> see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed
> for another week, and
> finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then,
> pending the review
> boards decision on his age and remaining value to society.
> Why the different
> treatment for the two patients?
>
> The FIRST is a Golden
> Retriever taken to a vet.
> The SECOND is a Senior
> Citizen on Obama care.
>
> This November, if Obama
> and his Czars get another term, we'll all have to find a good vet.

[Diane Amberg]

Interesting.   I can see my personal doc in his office the same day. He would schedule my x-ray, which is down stairs in the same building, in about 20 min. It would be read while I was still there. If a surgeon is necessary, my doc would call my surgeon who would schedule the surgery in about a week, after I got the presurgical  P/B, EKG, etc from my doc ,who did all that while I was there, and then the blood work from  Quest Diagnostics, which makes on time appointments, often the next day and the results would be available the day after that. I wouldn't want to lose that.

[Wilma]

Neither would I.  Where can I find it?