Grins and Snickers

[Jo McDonald]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet,
Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[Roma Jean Turner]

Ha  ha ha.  A great middle of the night laugh.

[Jo McDonald]

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew......
and soon people from all  over the country were coming to Minnesota to have
portraits done.One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful
woman, and she asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.
The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait
while he went in the house and conferred with Lena , his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor,
you betcha. I'll paint ya in DA nude, but I'll haff at leave my socks on.......
so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

[Judy Harder]

Yah, I love that sense of humor. thanks Jo that got a giggle. LOL

[Judy Harder]

Here's the  way it should be:

Let's put  the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing  homes.

This would  correct two things in one motion:

Seniors  would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They would  receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment,  wheel chairs, etc. They would  receive money instead of having to pay it  out. They would have  constant video mongering, so they would be helped instantly if they  fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be  washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to  them. A guard would  check on them every 20 minutes. All meals and  snacks would be brought to them They would have  family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have  access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool  and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally  recognized entertainment artists. Simple clothing  - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon  request. There would be  private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise  yard complete with gardens. Each  senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at  no cost. They would  receive daily phone calls. There would be a  board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight  for their rights and protection. The guards would  have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys  available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from  abuse or neglect.


As  for the criminals:


They would receive  cold food. They would be left  alone and unsupervised. They would receive  showers once a week. They would live in  tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month. They would have no  hope of ever getting out. "Sounds like justice to  me!"

Tongue Roll Eyes Grin

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[Judy Harder]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.  Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians  try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. 

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-- -----------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'




Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene  commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
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Smith climbs to the top of  Mt.   Sinai  to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks t he Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

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A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.  What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down.  Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

   

[frawin]

Judy, you are on a roll tonight.

[Judy Harder]

Everyone  seems to be in such  a
   hurry to scream 'racism'  these  days.


So, the customer asked, "In what
   aisle  could I find the  Polish sausage?"   
The clerk looks  at him and  says,
   "Are you  Polish?"   
The guy  (clearly offended)  says,
   "Well, yes I am. But let me  ask  you   something.  If I
   had asked for Italian  sausage, would you ask  me if I was Italian?
   Or  if I had asked for  German Bratwurst, would you ask me if  I was
   German?
Or  if I asked for a kosher  hot dog
   would you ask me if I   was Jewish? Or if I had asked  for a Taco,
   would you ask if I was  Mexican?' If I asked  for some Irish 
   whiskey, would you ask if I  was  Irish?"   
The clerk says, "Well, no, I
   probably   wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous
   indignation,  the guy  says, "Well then, why did you ask me if  I'm  Polish because I asked for  Polish  sausage?"   

The clerk replied, "Because you're in  Home Depot."

[Judy Harder]

POLICE COMMENTS RECORDED
     
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments
were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National
Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't.. Sign here."

[Judy Harder]

 
                                                 BAPTIST  DINNER  FOR  EIGHT ! ! !

        A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

        The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.  When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. 

Janet  decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.  But, mushrooms are  expensive.   
She then told her husband, "No mushrooms.  They are too  high."

        He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?  There are plenty in the creek bed."

        She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." 
        He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK. 

        So  Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

        Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful.  Ol' Spot ate every bite.

        All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

  After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominoes.

        About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear.  She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."  Janet went into hysterics.  After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

        The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
  I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible.  We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine.  Just keep them calm."

        Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.  The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

        One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.  After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

        They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,

"You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!!