Very Dumb Obama Jokes

[Warph]

President Obama decided to do one of his public addresses against the backdrop of an American farm, but the ceremony couldn't get started because of all the flies buzzing around his head. Obama demanded to know why the flies wouldn't leave, so the farmer explained to him, "Well, those are called circle flies. They always circle around the back end of horses." Obama angrily replied, "Hey, are you saying that I'm a horse's ass?" The farmer answered, "No Sir, Mister President. I would never call someone a horse's ass. It's hard to fool them flies though."


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Did you know that for security reasons Obama has an identical body double? The only way you can tell the difference between the two is that the real Obama's head doesn't cast a shadow.



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Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence,  he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence..
Then Obama said into the microphone, "Children, uh, every time I, uh,  clap my hands together, a, uh, child in America dies from, uh, gun violence."
Little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said, '' Well, dummy, stop clapping!"

(Believe it or not, variations of this Obama joke have actually been analyzed by Snopes.com in one of its "urban legend" postings. How weird is that? See http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bono.asp)


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Obama is proud of his Cash for Clunkers program. It basically let you sell your car to the government for gas money. Now there is talk in Congress about bringing it back as an add on to their univeral healthcare plan and expanding it. With that in mind, let's take a look at how the Obama Clunker program might work on its next go round.


Signs of an Obama Clunker


• You have to reset the car clock after you use the cigarette lighter.


• You just roll down the car windows for air conditioning.


• You go to Coin Star so you can make your car and insurance payments.


• You start using the phrase "General Motors" as a curse.


• You start referring to GM as Government Motors.


• You keep emergency sneakers in the car trunk for those inevitable walks home.


• Your Obama clunker appears on the TV series Operation Repo, with a recurring role.


• You had to cut the Club the Obama clunker came with off of the steering wheel.


• You have to read map directions using the car's Check Engine light.


• You spot tow trucks following your Obama clunker on the highway.


• You double your car's Blue Book value whenever you fill the gas tank.


• Your car insurance policy requires that you wear a helmet while driving.


• You always carry duct tape in the car's glove compartment.


• You have a bumper sticker for the local homeless shelter.


• Your car radio only gets National Public Radio.


• When hitchhikers see you, they put their thumbs down.


• If you try to donate your car to charity, they give it right back.


• Your car was featured on the cover of Lemon Law Magazine.


• If they can't repair your clunker's brakes, they'll make your horn louder.


• The tires keep getting rotated until they're back where they started.


• You'll have to buy your car insurance from the federal government.


• But your Obama auto insurance will cover you in all 57 states.


• Your automobile insurance won't cover the types of accidents you're most likely to have.


• The longer you own your Obama clunker, your vehicle's insurance coverage will go down and your insurance premiums will go up.


• Car insurance premiums for everyone, regardless of risk, must be equal.


• Your employer must provide you with group car insurance.


• Preventive care, such as car washes, must be covered in your car insurance.


• The government must provide car insurance to everyone who is unable to afford the increasing premiums for car insurance. This will be done by raising taxes on drivers who don't have accidents.


• The bad news is that if you don't buy car insurance coverage, you will go to federal prison. The good news is that you won't need a car there.


• Don't even think about taking a tax write off for donating your car to charity.


Your clunker is so old that it isn't dented -- it's wrinkled!


Clunker Sticker: No Radio in Car - Stolen Already


Q. Speaking of cash for clunkers, what do Obama's policies and clunkers have in common?
A. They both backfire.


Barack Obama was trying to sell his clunker that had already been driven 310,000 miles, but he was having a mighty hard time with it. Joe Biden offered to help him out and turned the car odometer back to just 10,000 miles. Biden asked the President a few days later whether he had been able to sell the clunker. "Why would I want to sell it?" asked Obama. "There's only 10,000 miles on it."


"If someone was trying to sell a car the way they're trying to sell this bill [the Obama healthcare insurance bill] they would be violating the Lemon Law." --Congressman Dan Lungren


Obama visited the local GM (Government Motors) dealership to see if he could land himself a "Cash for Clunkers" deal. Unfortunately, once he got there the dealer told Obama that he couldn't use his wife as trade in.


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Recent Barack Obama Jokes


Obama has decided to change the name of "Air Force One," the Presidential jet. He's going to rename it "Air Force The One."



Under both ObamaCare and the Clunker program, bills are divided into parts and labor.



Astronomers have spotted an object in space that they say is potentially dangerous, yet for a year it's just sat out there and has done nothing. For that, they've named the object COMET OBAMA.



And marine biologists have spotted the deepest living fish ever, near the ocean floor at the Earth's lowest point. They're calling it, the Barack Obama Approval Ratings Fish.



Bill Clinton, Joe Biden and Barack Obama go into a bar.  Bill tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a B and C." Obama whispers, "What is a B and C?" "That's a bourbon and Coke," Clinton answers. Then Biden orders, "I'll have a G and T." Obama again whispers, "What's a G and T?" "A gin and tonic," Joe replies. Obama wants to seem like he's one of the guys so he tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a 15." Now it's the bartender's turn to ask, "What's a 15?" Obama says, "A 7 and 7."


You remember the Reagan era, when Ronald Reagan was President, and Bob Hope and Johnny Cash were still with us? Well, now we have Obama, no hope, and no cash.



Q: What is the difference between ObamaCare and a car battery?
A: The battery has a positive side.



Exhausted and ill from the effort of enacting the Obama healthcare plan, an elderly Senator goes to the doctor. Doctor says, "I have bad news, good news, and bad news, Senator. The bad news is that you only have six months to live. But the good news is that there's an operation that is 100% successful in curing this illness." "That sounds great, Doctor," says the Senator, "but what's the other bad news?" The Doctor replies, "The Department of Health and Human Services says the first available slot is seven months from today."



In the washroom at the airport I saw a handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers: "Please push button and listen for a short message from the President!"..........There's nothing like "hot air" and the smell of crap to give you that true Obama experience!!!!



Q. What did Obama do when he caught Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid in bed with Osama bin Laden in the Lincoln Bedroom?
A. Nothing.



New bumper sticker:
Obama lied, the economy died.



Q. Why did Obama cross the road?
A. Actually, Obama promised to cross the road, but then he didn't.



If Obama had half a brain, his butt would be lopsided.



President Obama is to statesmanship as an Etch-A-Sketch is to art.



Q. What is Barack Obama's favorite lunch meat?
A. Mao Tse Tongue.



The aliens forgot to remove Obama's anal probe.



If Barack Obama had been the Commander in Chief of the Sioux and the Cheyenne, George Armstrong Custer would have died of old age.



Q. Why was Obama staring at the frozen orange juice can?
A. It said "concentrate".



Q. What would you get if you crossed Albert Einstein with Barack Obama?
A. E = MC Hammer



Q. Why did President Obama feel it was necessary for him to apologize to the world and to degrade the United States?
A.  Jimmy Carter had laryngitis.



Barack Obama told Oprah Winfrey that he deserves to get a "good, solid B-plus" for his first year as President. He also claimed that Bo, the White House dog, ate the economy.



Obamatopia: Where Soup Plantations are being replaced by soup kitchens.



Q. Why did Obama make a big contribution to SarahPAC?
A. Because he wants to face off against Sarah Palin instead of a real opponent in 2012.
Tip o'the hat to Willard.


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Popular Barack Obama Jokes

Q. Why won't Obama laugh at himself?
A. Because it would be racist.

Like any corrupt Chicago politician, Obama would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!"

Obama Anagrams
President Barack Obama = Arab base, pink Democrat
President Barack Hussein Obama = A Democrat speaks inane rubbish

Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Q. Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack?
A. He thought Barry sounded too American.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'I ♥ Obama.' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.


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