Do You Want Flies With That?

[Warph]

Defining the Fifth-Tier Nation:

Abraham Lincoln once famously stated that all men are created equal. But with the onslaught of globalization sweeping the world over recent years, it's fairly obvious that not all countries were created equal. And, when you think about it, countries are only as strong as their inhabitants. It's safe to say, then, that as well as being "The Great Emancipator" and one of America's great leaders, Abraham Lincoln was also a big, fat liar. Far from being equal, economists have broken the world's regions into separate hierarchal classes, or "tiers," which represent the varying economic status of each region and its prospects for future development.

Confused? A quick, mostly painless, recap:

Making up the first-tier nations, we've got the Big Boys: the U.S., Europe, Australia, and Japan. These countries are the CEOs, the VPs of the nations, the guys who are paid big bucks to look and sound important while they sit at the head of the boardroom in their two thousand-dollar Armani suits. They've been economically stable for a long time now, and they've got the highest living standards and per capita incomes to prove it.

The second-tier is comprised of the up-and-coming, lower-income nations, like India and China. Think of these guys as the young, idealistic Yale or Harvard grad making his way onto the scene with all those big plans for your company's future. He may not seem like much of a player yet, but watch out for him - he's got the smarts and motivational drive to climb his way to the top of the corporate ladder and, before you know it, you may be working for him.

Rounding out the third-tier are nations in the Latin America and Mid-East regions. The classic underachievers of the bunch, these countries are neither poor enough to warrant special aid, nor sufficiently large or fast growing to be major players in the global economy. You won't hear these countries referenced much outside of discussions incorporating liberal usage of the words "powder-keg," "jihad," "communism" or "cigars."

Last, we have the countries that scrape the bottom of the globalized barrel, the fourth-tier group. These are the problem children of the bunch, the "Black Sheep," if you will. We want to give up hope, but dammit, we keep trying to help no matter how much the therapy bills have been keeping us from saving up for that new Porsche. We feel responsible for the economic and social hardships faced by these struggling nations, partly due to the fact that it's our fault. But we're not here to lay blame, are we? Of course not! That would be counterproductive (for the rest of us, anyway).

Besides, what if these long-suffering nations aren't the lowest rung on the hierarchal ladder? What if there was a group of countries with an even lower socio-economic status than the ones just alluded to, a group so pathetically backward and hopeless that they comprised a 5th-tier within our so-called "Four Speed World"? Imagine the Middle East without its oil reserves, South Africa without its diamond mines, Thailand without its commercial flesh trade. That's right - countries that would give the colonialists absolutely no justification to invade them and then pretend they were there first. We may never know for sure whether these places actually exist, but for now, here's a few sure-fire signs that will help you, loyal reader, decide for yourself.

Warning signs you may be living in a fifth-tier country:

1. Whenever the UN holds conferences on how to substantially reduce worldwide overpopulation, your country's name repeatedly comes up.

2. Your coat-of-arms emblem depicts a snake and a monkey fighting over the corpse of a rat.

3. Geographical resource sites list your location as "somewhere north of Australia and south of Finland, probably in the Eastern Hemisphere."

4. Your national slogan is "The place where justice, integrity, freedom, equality, security and any chance of escape come to die."

5. When they stage a music festival for aid relief in your country's name, the Beastie Boys respond with "Doesn't the U.S. have more important things to do with its time and money?"

6. Your national animal is the Ebola virus.

7. When Willie Nelson writes a song about your country, he continually refers to it as "the place with the horseflies and elephant stink."

8. You get invaded by North Korea and nobody gives a shit.

9. You invade North Korea and nobody gives a shit.

10. Your society's class system is divided not by what social class your citizens derive from, but from what variety of flesh-eating disease they're afflicted with.

11. The amount of elephant droppings on your streets can be measured per cubic inch.

12. The welcome mat on certain doorways reads: "Please remove shoes and all hope for the future well being of anyone not related to, married to, nor in direct employ of our president at the door."

13. Your country's strict anti-theft laws are repealed after the realization that your currency's value is so low, it's actually cheaper to pay for merchandise than it is to steal it.

14. For the fifth consecutive time, your president is denied an invitation to GQ's annual "Evil Dictators' Mustache Party" photo shoot.

15. Your president promises to achieve the greatness Hitler and Stalin would've lived up to, had they been "a little less moderate."

16. Although almost none of your citizens are of the Christian faith, they always look forward to the Christmas season, since there's always the hope that this will be the year the fat man with the eight reindeer will crash land while flying over your territory and they can finally have something protein-based to snack on.

17. Your royal classes fill their pools with champagne, but only because it's cheaper than water since it hasn't rained once in over two years.

18. You had to cut down the number of points on your break-away faction's constitutional charter of rights from 35 to just 28, not due to pressure from the government, but because the guy in charge of drafting it ended up dying from blood loss.

19. Your country's chief exports are used crack vials, pestilence, fear, your president's maniacal laughter, and walnuts.

20. Due to the serious nature of your crimes against the state, the usual sentence of death is repealed in favor of a more heinous punishment: You are forced to continue living.

21. Despite the odds, you've managed to develop a niche market for the latest designer fashions - by ripping them off of vacationers who foolishly wander into your tourist traps.

22. Although vehemently opposed to the war in Iraq, your country joins the U.S. coalition anyway, if only for the chance at getting a brief reference to on an edition of Hannity & Colmes.

23. Your underground revolutionaries have given up on their dream of a military coup, and instead focus their energy and resources on their other dream, establishing the first-ever "Bunker and Breakfast" resort hotel chain.

24. For you, there is such a thing as a free lunch. Bugs are free.

25. Instead of burning cloth effigies of the U.S. President, you use "live local talent."

26. Your national anthem is nothing more than thirty seconds of horrible silence.