Need a laugh???

[plowboy]

You may find a few laughs in the following:

THESE ARE QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS SCIENCE EXAMS--

"Water is composed of two gins.  Oxygen and hydrogin.  Oxygen is pure gin.  Hydrogen is gin and water"

"When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe, you expire"

"three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars"

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other"

"The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is deader"

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to a cow instead of the bull"

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places, so they look like umbrellas"

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot"

"Vacuum:  A large empty space where the pope lives"

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose"

"To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow"

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial prespiration"

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium"

"For asphyxiation: apply  artificial respiration until the patient is dead"

"Germinate:  To become a naturalized German"

"Liter: A nest of young puppies"

"For fainting:  Rub the person's chest. if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor"

[Carl Harrod]

I think you guys should try something like this in Kansas too!

  Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Nebraska is planning to do it's own, entitled  "Survivor Nebraska Style." The contestants will start in Omaha; travel up to South Sioux City and on to Norfolk and Columbus.
   Then they will head over to Grand Island and up to Kearney and Ogallala. From there they will proceed up to Scottsbluff and Valentine. Then back down through North Platte, McCook and all the way over to Lincoln and back up to Omaha.
   Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Colorado license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads.. "I'm a vegetarian"; "Steak clogs your arteries"; "The Huskers suck";"Hillary in 2006"; "Deer Hunting is murder"; And,  "I'm here to confiscate your guns!"
   The first one that makes it back to Omaha alive wins. Good luck to all contestants.

[Teresa]

Now THAT was funny... I don't care who ya are.

[Carl Harrod]

Can anyone guess who the doctor is suggesting this person might be?

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
   
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
   
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident. I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
   
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a Senator from New York.

[Sherry]

In honor of St. Patrick's day.....

DWI (Driving While Irish)

Paddy, the ubiquitous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

[Teresa]

Here's one more for 'Ole St Paddy"

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one.

Happy St Patricks Day!!!