Hello, Hello... Warph Here

[Warph]

Ring, Ring, Ring...

"Hello, this is Warph."

"Hello, Warph, this is the federal government.  We are going to audit your taxes and want to see all of your records for 2011."

"Sorry, federal government, but my computer crashed in 2011.  All of my emails, electronic receipts and financial records were lost."

"We're not buying that, Warph.  Anybody with half a brain would back up his data to a backup drive.  And many people pay a measly 60 bucks a year to a service that automatically backs up the data online.  Surely your 2011 data still exist."

"Nope, sorry, no backups were ever done. When my computer crashed I lost all the data I created from 2009 to 2011."

"Then give us the crashed hard drive, Warph.  We have experts here who know how to retrieve data from crashed drives."

"I'd love to help you, but it is my policy to recycle crashed hard drives."

"Well, what about emails you sent to your accountant, Warph?  They surely exist. Email exists not just on hard drives but on the networks of the email providers."

"Nope, sorry, the emails are gone forever, too.  My accountant's computer also crashed.  And the email provider we were using went out of business."

"That sounds awfully fishy to us, Warph."

"Why should it?  It is the very same defense the IRS is using.  The IRS says it is unable to retrieve specific information and emails from specific IRS employees who are accused of using the IRS to target conservative groups."

"What are you talking about, Warph?"

"According to Politico, the IRS told congressional investigators 'that the emails of (Lois) Lerner, the former head of the tax exempt division that was found to have singled out conservative groups for additional scrutiny, were lost from 2009 to 2011 in a computer hard drive crash in early summer 2011.' "

"So what of it, Warph?  Computer crashes happen all the time."

"Politico says 'the time frame is significant because the Tea Party targeting began in the spring of 2010, and Republicans think if there was a smoking gun connecting the Obama administration to the IRS treatment of conservative groups, it could be found during that period.' "

"Come now, Warph.  Government agencies follow specific processes for disposing of broken hard drives.  Bad drives are sent to companies that recycle them.  There is absolutely no evidence that operatives in the White House had anything to do with the targeting of conservative groups."

"This is a matter of grave importance, I hope you agree.  Using the IRS to attack or persecute political opponents is what every single American fears.  And many Americans think that our government is not coming clean on the entire Tea Party matter."

"That may be what you think, Warph, but we think that many Americans are more concerned with Kim Kardashian than they are about confusing government scandals."

"Look, it is hard to believe that the email records of six people involved in this scandal are somehow lost forever due to a series of convenient hard-drive crashes. It's awfully coincidental, don't you think?"

"You sound paranoid, Warph.  You must be one of those conservative kooks.  Besides, none of the IRS scandal with conservative groups has anything to do with you."

"Sure it does.  For starters, it speaks to the integrity of our government.  Has our government gotten so big and messy that citizens now have to live in fear of it?  Besides, if government officials can defend themselves by stonewalling on information and records, then why can't an average American do likewise?"

"Nice try, Warph!  Why don't you go ahead and attempt the same defense during an IRS audit and see what happens to you?"

[Warph]

Ring. Ring.

"Hello, this is warph."

"We know who you are, Warph.  In the digital age, you will be shocked by what we know about you."

"Who is this?   The National Security Agency? I thought President Obuma issued orders to rein you in!"

"That's a good one, Warph.  Obuma told the NSA to stop storing bulk phone records on millions of Americans.  The NSA can easily access that information through phone companies.  I'm not from the NSA, however."

"Then who are you and what do you want?"

"What is more important, Warph, is who are you and what do you want?  Lots of government and private organizations are interested in that information and you are making it easy for them to get it."

"I have given no one permission to access my information!"

"Really, Warph?  Didn't you hand over your address, Social Security number and other information to buy a car, get a credit card, apply for a job or vote?"

"Maybe a few times."

"Did you know that since 1961, various Congresses and presidential administrations have enacted more than 40 laws, regulations and policies that require the use of Social Security numbers?  That is a godsend to people like me... and that was before the digital era made my job easier!"

"What do you mean?"

"Every website you visit, every online purchase you make, every email, text or online comment you make leaves an incredibly rich electronic trail that defines who you are and what you do."

"You are bluffing."

"Really, Warph?  That 32-year-old Bolivian flight attendant you've been flirting with on Facebook?"

"What about her?"

"He's 45 and he's an undercover surveillance expert for a large retail outfit."

"Oh. My. God."

"You should be more careful with your password selections, Warph.  It took me less than a minute to access your credit card account.  Only a fool would use '123456,' the worst password of 2013, according to PC World."

"You are invading my right to privacy."

"Really, Warph?  There is no mention of any right to privacy in the U.S. Constitution.  Sure, the Fourth Amendment stops the police and other government agents from searching our property without probable cause.  And, says the American Civil Liberties Union, 'other amendments protect our freedom to make certain decisions about our bodies and our private lives without interference from the government.'  But a specific right to privacy does not exist."

"You must be breaking some law!"

"That's a good one, too, Warph.  There are no laws to prevent us from knowing about you... particularly when you so willingly hand over so much private information to so many strangers!  You have no idea how vulnerable you are!"

"Vulnerable?"

"Identity theft is a growing problem, Warph.  The personal information you willingly gave about yourself exists forever in the digital ecosystem.  That gives savvy technical people lots of opportunities to steal your identity and destroy your finances."

"I didn't realize it was that easy."

"Identity theft is less worrisome than what government entities could do to you.  Look how the IRS has been used to attack political enemies.  Now imagine what government entities can do when they know everything about you!  That's why I called you today, Warph.  I called to help you."

"Help me how?"

"You know those new anti-terrorist scanners they use at the airports?  Well, at your age, you might want to consider switching from briefs to boxers."

"That, sir, is an outrage.  I demand to know who you are and what you want!"

"Sorry, Warph.  That information is private."